I have passed the point of self sabotage and arrived at a locked door with no sign on it telling me whats behind it, usually in this situation id fall back and ask someone who knows me well what I should do or what my thoughts actually mean as they have been swimming around in my head so long I have just ended up with brain soup and no way to figure out the logic to my madness which is how I survive, unfortunately I seem to have pushed the people who know me so far away that they don’t know me anymore, in the spirit of hopelessness il be brutally honest which is being brutal to myself and my over inflated ego not to anyone else, im scared
And not scared of snakes or of people with moustaches, scared of myself, im not able to make decisions that I should so easily be able to make, my judgement is up the wall and I feel totally vulnerable, probably the reason why iv continued to push, there is someone left well, was left who knows me probably both too well and not well enough, well enough to help me back onto my feet but not well enough to sort me out but would be a start, however iv pushed her away the most, mainly due to my own paranoia which tells me the world and everyone in it is evil. Im probably right and especially when peoples actions don’t match their words I tend to get confused, cover myself in chains and padlocks and go play the part of a needle and go and jump into the metaphoric haystack, by doing this I don’t “die” I just shoot myself in both feet, ankles, shins and kneecaps so rather than being “dead” I just cant walk away from, well myself.
Im not happy, not as in cant laugh, just a case of don’t want to, you kinda notice the difference when you try something you have tried before and you instinctively react totally different without trying to, like last week I tried to cut down smoking, when I was “happy” it was hard but I managed it, this time I turned nocturnal, had a vile temper and ended up here. Trouble is I know how to solve this, its no big mystery, never has been, iv just never been able to manage it, my own fault, but not entirely.
People, the human disease, have limited patience, il be the first to admit mine isn’t brilliant, its got a hell of a lot worse recently, patience can be extended by knowing whats causing you to wait, ever noticed your a lot more patient whilst waiting for a train if you know why the trains delayed and how long its going to be, whereas if your left there with no explaination or e.t.a then your fuming almost instantly ?, same thing with people and their patience for each other, mine ran out a long time ago but I cant snap at the person who its with, well not properly.

part 2 to follow when i can bring myself to write it

in a few days she goes to oz, and i already want to go kill the little ozzy prick shes going to meet and i dont even know the guy, i tried to help her thru something last night and made her even more aanooyed by what i said, i said it was to work something out, which i did, however i snapped like a twig at her although i got away with it its obviously getting ontop of me, which is seroiusly not good, iv gotta wait for the bad news which will come when she gets back then i can set about randomly destroying my life as usual. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

i feel like i trusted you and you pushed me off a cliff (my own fault) however you grabbed my hand as i fell and now im just dangling with arm ache where iv been for weeks, i was sure you would just decide to pull me up or drop me but you havnt, Why ? the pain in my arm is so intense i cant think of anything else not even the impending death !

how can someone who is 120miles away stop me from sleeping by saying nothing but what i dont want to hear im falling to pieces, actually since im here and its quarter to 6 in the morning. im already in pieces if something seemingly so small can have such a detrimental effect on my mental health. im fucked i dont know what to do, if dont even want what feelings i have anymore they have become a burdon on me yet i still have them and i still want what i want and she still doesnt want me anymore, i began to question her morals a long time ago, and i still dont have a definitive answer to the questions i ask of her in my own head, i know there are more important things in my life and in life in general, or should be more important but this takes presidence over everything, im like a paint by numbers thing but with no colour or numbers anymore, and the person with the paintbrush isnt an artist. i never thought id find an addiction worse than smoking but iv suprised even me who thinks most things to extinction, only i cant get 20 of what i want from the shop for a fiver. if only life were that simple. the thing that gets me in this is that again (see friends only section) this is entirely my own fault, well not quite but might as well be my own faultthere is nothing she can do or is willing to do, sometimes i feel i can talk to her about it but shes never availiable, only seems to be there when im stuck to the bottom of my well of clarkyness, i am not my own worst enemy, i am my only enemy. nobody needs to be my enemy as i do the damage for them, what a fucking idiot i am for thinking what i did for putting the ammount of trust i did into another human being. should have learnt, once bitten, twice bitten third time mauled fourth ?????

i hit the bottom yesterday afternoon but this time i didnt bounce. iv fely myself sinking inside now it feels like my heart along with my respiratory organs are settled somewhere round my ankles.

ok, chaper 3million of my problems, do i care if anyone reads them, no, thats not the point, as long as they are somewhere else other than whizzing round and round in my head annoying the shit out of my i couldnt give a flying fuck who reads them however for the odd lost (directionally) soul who meanders over here il put them into some sort of half sentanced drivel.
She (see past entry(s)) is having a bit of a rough time in life, iknow this and can empathise with her and try and give her as much help as i can from what might as well be a few hundred thousand million (you get the point) miles, however i cant detatch her from the feelings i have for her so although i can try and give advice as if i were just some random who knowes her i cant stop the bitter and twisted thing inside me that seems to hate everything and everyone (already covered by everything but hey) that isnt her or doesnt involve her being with me or at least wanting to, life would be marvelous if i liked being like this but i dont, it gives me headache and makes me smoke, ok i give myself headaches and make myself smoke but you get the jist, im in a state where i want one thing and everything else is so inferior that it becomes irrelevant even though it isnt, which is shit but hey thats life i gotta lean to live with it

Holy shit, the inevitable happened, am i suprised or shocked or did i not see it coming, no, no, and no, still dnt stop it feeling like i walked infront of a train at full pelt and now im dragging myself round in the dark searching for the bits to put them back together again, this is the last time i try and put my all into something because when it goes tits up you are left with nothing, im saying this a little early because i havnt quite hit the floor yet but im alreadly looking for the pieces of me that have fell off, there is a million to one shot of this working out and whilst there is still that im clinging on because the end result is so worth anything id have to go through to get her and not in an object way i mean for her to realise how much she means to me and how much my heart longs for her, no matter what shit she is going through i know whats underneath and i want to tap into that. i want to help her bring that out, make her shine like she so deserves to. she is such a wonderful person, wrapped up in her past experiences, people go through shit, have a wash then carry on she collects it and refuses to let anyone else carry the burdon for her even for a little while, i want to help, i want to make her happy im just not sure if the thing i fell for a year ago is alive underneath and i know it doesnt want me or my help which is where i sit at the moment, alone, it sucks, but at least im coping, she is struggling, the bright light that was is now a faint glow in the distance, i wish i could help, i wish she would let me in but im sat in the cold, il help you look for what you lost, i hope quietly under my idiotic narcasistic exterior im what you lost what you wanted all along but im not, i offered you everything i had, you took what you needed to get along then gave it back with a thanks but no thanks to the rest. i can be who i want to be around her probably the only person but i cant when she doesnt want me to be when im shut out because shes not really there its just a face to hold memories to.

im stuck in a situation which i dont exactly know anything for certain,, the someone in my life has basically turned around and told me that she doesnt want me but then starts with maybe`s and studff thats confused me but also give me a little hope which is enough to stop me from turning into powder and making a nice pile on the floor of clarkyness, problem is i cant bring myself to pressure this person into answers because of things going on in her life that are more important to her than whats going on with me, so i have to wait until she comes to me to explain, problem is in 2 weeks she walks out of my life and i actually believe that she will do so without telling me anything because she things that it will cause me harm, not realising that me not knowing something causes me more harm than not knowing anything, there is no time after her exams for me to try ans ort something out so basically im fucked, but i still love this person to bits, and i know love is a strong word but i have strong feelings to match so i cant realy describe it as anything else, im not saying she feels nothing but she doesnt exactly thik the world of me as i of her, so i dont know what i can do especially when i dont know this for sure, its driving me nuts evebn the little things such as when im with her the smell of her gets on me and my clothes, this stays on me for a few hours after and drives me certifiably insane most of the time, i really dont understand how she has or i have to think of it, get into this kind of situation, i have been nothing but patient all year but now she thinks i havnt been commited, i have taken the back seat so her course didnt suffer as its very demanding, and now she thinks that i wasnt all in it from the start, i cant "win" i wanted a chance in a less pressure situation, eg on her part to prove myself to her and she wont give it, which is lovely really, ok now im just rambling on and i think i should summarise, which goes like this AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

left the shithole (preston) sunday morning went home to see my mum for a few hours and then went up to durham to see helen and had a big revalation, 2 in fact, that the whole "gemma thing" was probably a mental overstimulation due to the apparent lonliness, i wanted someone so badly i just hid it from myself and gemma was the best thing on offer so i basically went thru the motions without noticing, the second thing iv realised is that iv met the most wonderful person and i would be very happy if i spent the rest of my life with her, and thats not just saying that i actually believe it. shes not perfect but nobody is shes closer to perfect as i thought possible tho which is sayin something, i have this fire burning bright inside me when i see her and even more so when im not with her and i just wish i was, alas its about a 100-1 shot that it will work as shes off soon and wont be back here again which plays on my mind so much that i cant think straight half the time, anybody who knowes me will understand when i say that this is the single biggest thing iv had for someone far bigger than anything that came before it, and its going to go away, well she is away at the moment and is only back for exams so i aint gonna see her much then apart from in the kitchen when shes cooking or something. god i do pick em, i cant bear to be without her tho, i hate life and all its cruelties, and if one single person mentions anything about "you will get over it" or "more fish in the sea" then i will go certifiably mental and i will not be responsible for my actions

to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world i don't wish to be everything to everyone, but i would like to be something to someone

i sit on the roof the night is quiet for once no sound from the road no sound from neighbours no light from house just darkness as i gaze across to the treeline and onto the field i see the shaddow of the trees and nothing more, no sound of the wind in the trees not a whisper, the only thing i can hear is my mind thinking over and over and over, i lay in bed and i close my eyes and i try to shut out the noise in my head and the only way i can do it is to stop breathing for a while, no break from it no break from anything nothing to take my mind off things, nobody to talk to, nothing to do but write, my mind though very much alive with thought it just seems like a noise, not making sense, like my conscious thought has caught some illness that makes it speak shite, i used to portray my thoughts in a manner puzzling to others now my thoughts just puzzle me so i think more trying to work out what things mean and why im thinking things but i just burrow deeper and deeper my minds load getting greater and greater the only noise i now hear is the whir of my computer and the only light i have is the black blue and white of my melo, sat staring at the keys wondering if i let myself go if i let myself type what i want will it make sense, but i try like i used to and my hands remain inanimate, i am lost with nobody coming to find me anymore, i am distant in every sense of the word, it is what i have slowly become my minds subconscious reaction to the way i have lived my life and the people around me, it seems wierd how i can remember last years holiday 10 times more clearly than thie one i came back from a few weeks ago, last week seems like the distant past, i just feel like im traveling but with no destination,

holiday was indeed what the word suggests a holiday, from what i dont exactly know but i just seem to have hit the ground like the plane hit the runway, at work im fine, when im drinkin or smokin pot im fine otherwise i just feel like im sat in a puddle at the bottom of a deep hole, dont know why dont know how just know how i feel