Nausea es no bueno

so, I managed to get pregnant again and at five weeks and 4 days pregnant, I can't honestly say that I have morning sickness. I do however have the flu... and this vomiting that happens if I don't eat soon enough. It's absolutely wonderful.

viva la revolución

So, while I was sitting here abs and a blazing, I came to a conclusion. I've been exercising and and eating better and even though it's a slow process, I'm losing my weight that I acquired since getting married. Plus on Wednesday, I go to get this damn birth control removed that gave me an extra 20 pounds so it will hopefully be easier to lose the weight. All I know is when my body goes back to normal in a few months... I'm getting a new section of wardrobe, any club going somewhat slutty clothes I can find I'm going to buy. then I'm going to start going out by myself or with the girls and leave the man at home and see how he likes being the "fat" one whose spouse is always out among "better" looking people. Already told his ass I'm going to see Chippendale's on our anniversary. It's pety, I know, but well deserved.

How do you call the police and lie?

My husband decided to get drunk again last night. we were supposed to have dinner and a movie at home, but instead he got drunk and passed out on the couch. Apparently when I went to the room to go to sleep, he did not understand why i was so upset because "at least he wasn't being mean." He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that he ruined our night by getting drunk, more importantly, he lied to me and said that he was only having a six pack, but he really sneaked in a few miniature liquor bottles. Apparently even though he asked what was wrong, he didn't actually want to here it and he walked of. I grabbed his car keys and his cell phone cause he was drunk. He racked out in the spare bedroom for a few hours, while in the meantime, I got his cell phone suspended because I'm done with his shit, and wasn't gonna be stuck paying for two phones. and then i slipped his house key under the door so he could get it.

Well apparently after trying all evening to provoke me into hitting him but to now avail, when he saw his phone was erased, he called me an evil women and proceeded to lunge at me like he was going to hit me. but when that didn't get a reaction, he resorted to calling the police and saying I hit him and was holding him captive inside the house. (mind you he had his house key.) Not only did he lie and say I hit him, when I said he had no proof, he proceeded to hit himself in the face. When I called the police to cover my ass, he was sitting on the couch punching himself in the face to create a bruise so that the police would believe I hit him.

Luckily for me since I didn't touch him at all, when the police came I showed them that I didn't have any red marks on my hands from hitting him but that his right hand knuckles were red from punching the right side of his face. Long story short, they obviously didn't believe his drunk ass because all they had me do was activate his phone and put his contacts back. what piece of shit.

The most shallow person deserves a deep grave.

Long story short, my husband went ALONE to a strip club, came home drunk as fuck, got into it with me and is now mad at me because I keep talking about my birth control sending into a maniacal rage. I'm on the implanon implant and it was cool for a few months, but lately i've been feeling weird, and quite honestly i feel just like i did i when I was pregnant. unfortunately, I sleep all day because i'm always too tired to get up, and my mood swing are out of control. I've been doing some research on it, and I'm not the only one who has lost their cool taking it and was unable to control it.

back to the story. last night in talking to my husband, he was on myspace the whole time lookin at other chicks and put that he was annoyed. So when I confronted him about it, he said that he just wanted to be single, and going out that one night to the strip club was so much fun, and that the strippers were beautiful and had nicer tits than me. That when he sees other women he wants to fuck them because at least with them he doesn't have to turn the light off to be able to fuck them.

I just about took his head off... with words and objects

So Exactly one week ago, my husband announced in marriage counseling that he was ready to move on from me and that it didn't matter to him what lengths he had to go to... he was going to divorce me. Mind you we're in the place where we are supposed to be trying to fix our marriage. Anywho, all this came about because a few nights prior I had said something about his friend. Bear in mind that his friend portrays himself to be a man hoe. He's married and has told me on more than one occasion that he fucks around on his wife. Hell, at one point my husband got mad at him because he added me on myspace with the intent to fuck me (my husband and I were just dating at that point). So we were having a conversation about this dude, and we were unclear as to whether or not we were talking about the same guy. So I asked if it's the guy who fucks around on his wife. Apparently I was wrong for saying that and my husband got up in arms about it. Then I got upset because he will be so quick to defend his friends but who defends me when he says some really cut throat things to me, or when he makes fun of me to his friends. The conversation turned into me saying that he cares about everyone but the person who is going to be there for him after this going to AA/NA meetings everyday is over. I'm gonna be there when we move away and he loses touch with all his AA/NA friend that he claims are his family but he cares more about them than me.

Unfortunately, When I brought up this incident in counseling he got to talkin about he don't care about me, and that he doesn't care if we ever have sex again cause I gained so much weight. That I'm the one with a problem and he's just fine and he's ready to move on from me. He says I'm too sensitive and that he has to walk on eggshells with me cause anything makes me cry, when really I gotta walk on eggshells with him cause any little thing I do will turn into him saying something unnecessarily hurtful. He said when he got home we was going to get his things and leave. Then I said something about him having been on drugs so long that he hasn't really learned how to be a normal human being yet and he's trying to sprint before he's even out the crawl phase. He got upset and left out the counseling office.

Outside I tried to talk to him even though I was crying hysterically, but he refused to talk to me. Then his car wouldn't start and even though I had the jumper cables, I was really just going to get into my car and leave. Lucky for him, his car started after about 4 tries. So on my way home I called a friend of mine to help calm me down because I was crying so much I was afraid I might careen into a tree or another car. I get home, start packing my stuff then though "Why am I packing? I'm not the one who wants a divorce." so I put my things back. He came home, and I just acted as though nothing ever happened. Just carried on about how I went to the grocery store before counseling and got him some lunch meat and carrots and bananas for his lunch box. Apparently he didn't want to leave me anymore for whatever reason and wanted to pretend the counseling incident didn't happen. Apparently he was just irritated because I had to renew my car registration, and the day prior and I went about bought some hair, got my nails done and bought some arts and crafts stuff. I had enough to renew my tag but he said he needed money for a car battery and helping him seemed far more important to me at the time than getting my tag renewed. So he just assumed I didn't have the money to get my tag renewed cause I bought all that stuff. Turns out they wouldn't have renewed my tag anyway because they were waiting for my lienholder to send them my out of state title.

So, like, the next day we went for a run, and when we came in I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I was slimming down cause I've been exercising, so I told my husband fuck him for whenever he criticizes my weight again cause at least I'm working on it. apparently the never having sex with me again thing didn't hold water cause that night he acted like he was freezing and wanted to cuddle. As I'm falling asleep me proceeded to make out with me and take my clothes off and get down to business. All without my nudging. Tuesday night I was trying to talk to him about something and he totally cast me aside to call up this chick who used to be his team leader. He wanted me to take him to go get some dip, so when I said let's go, it suddenly was no longer of any importance cause he was talking to her. So I went on ahead and left and got him a log of copenhagen and just brought it in the room. he asked for the debit card and I said no, and told him to call up that girl and ask her to borrow some money and for a ride to the store. So he was over here laughin and shit, and said something about me spending all the money. He left out the bedroom and I opened the door and chucked the log of dip with such force that had he not turned around last minute and moved out the way, I would've done some damage. So instead of "Thanks honey." I get, "You didn't even get th right kind." and I pretty much lost it at that point. He was every mother fucker, asshole, son of a bitch I could think of. I threw my purse at him, kicked the fan at him cussed him out and yelled til I was blue in the face and all the back talk in the world didn't get me to shut up. I had told him the bitch is back and I'm not fuckin around anymore. I said I'm like a pot of boiling water with a lid on it... my lid just popped that night and I feel like that needed to happen cause he ain't fucked with me yet, and he's been rather respectful since then. I guess I had to show him That I'm not taking his shit anymore for the point to really hit home. Clearly he wasn't too mad about it cause I still got laid that night.

"I wanna work this out" my black ass Part 2

So Friday afternoon, after coming back from outpatient treatment, my husband and I had a discussion about I don't even remember what. OH YEAH! I asked a few nights prior if he had tried to use my computer cause I had a set up a password that said "don't watch porn on my computer." Of course he said no. But the login screen showed two users instead of going straight to my login screen... so yeah he lied. But I let it go. I noticed the draw where he keeps his lube was wide open, but the lube was nowhere to be found. Hmmm. So Friday as I was pulling my boots from under the bed to get ready to go play army for the weekend, I saw the lube. Hmmm... I wonder how it got under the bed. So when I confronted him about it, he said he watched porn on his iPod, which i only because he tried to log on to my computer but couldn't. Somehow the conversation steered towards him leaving out somewhere, and when he came back, he handed me divorce papers.

Apparently he would rather jack off then have sex with me, he met another girl in outpatient rehab who is a recovery crackhead and alcoholic like him, and he suddenly doesn't love me anymore, and never has. Oh! and apparently he was high when he married me. To top the story off, he said I was disposable because he married me because he thought I would help keep him sober... now that the task has been accomplished he no longer needs me.

The sad part about this is, I would gladly let him go if I had a job (been trying for 8 months to get one) so that I could support myself, if I had someplace to stay, or if I could go home without worrying about my legal bullshit for having unleashed a can of whoop ass on his crackheaded self way back in September. So I'm up shit creek without a paddle, and this man has lost his mind.

Happy Crappy Birthday to Me.

So I'm officially 23. No big deal. My husband for got it was my birthday though we've been talking about for a week. He still forgot. I didn't expect him to since he doesn't care about me or our relationship. So Happy Birthday to the lamest woman in the world because she's stuck being married to someone who compared her to a pimple on his ass.

"I wanna work this out" my black ass

So I haven't been talking to the husband factor for the past few days because he shouted for the world to hear that he didn't have feelings for me and didn't want to be with me. Oh fuckin well, I've heard it a hundred times. But then this motherfucker had the nerve to tell me that I'm worthless. That's what I'm upset about. so the past few days, he's been trying to act all chummy and shit saying he really wants to work this out, but when I go and explain why I'm upset, it goes back to he don't care, and he's gonna go get some papers. So you know what? Fuck him. He was all for working it out when I wasn't speaking to him, but as soon as I address what the issue is, he don't give a fuck. I'm better off.

I'm not above punching a pregnant bitch

This girl I thought I was cool with told my husband that I said it's his fault I miscarried. Not only did I not tell her that It's not her place to be tellin my husband ANYTHING. I fuckin hate that people think they can just include themselves into your personal life. She's 8 months pregnant and I promised my husband I wouldn't say anything to her, but I'm really considering going to this bitch's house and punching her square in her big ass "I don't know who the daddy is," face. Trifflin ass bitches.


Just found out yesterday after going to the ER on Sunday, that my baby died about 5 weeks about, and that I just didn't have any symptoms until Sunday. When I asked if being stressed out EVERYDAY could have helped cause this the doctor said the mind and the body go hand in hand. I don't know if that meant yes or no. But either way, I just can't seem to catch a break. It's one thing after another. It's a wonder I haven't hurled myself off a bridge into alligator infested waters.

Wow... I'm so late

I didn't even know melo changed. I'm not even entirely sure that this is the real thing but oh well. Since I haven't updated in such a long time, let me fill you in. Well, My husband is in rehab for being a crackhead. I for one didn't know he was a crackhead before I married him, then when I did find out, I didn't know how bad it was. I've been to jail once for literally kicking his ass after he ran of with my car for the 5th time to get drunk and high. I was wrong for it but at the time it seemed like the way to go. But anyway, prior to and even after that he's been verbally and mentally abusive, told me I was fat when I look the same as I've always did. Well, except for now, because I'm pregnant. Everytime he gets mad it turns into :You need to get an abortion." So yeah, my life is wonderful.

you're my perfect little punching bag

If anyone has cared to have been keeping up with me, you would know that I was deployed for two years, had my fair share of guys and guy related issues during that time, and that it was miserable. You would also know that the entire second year of my deployment was spent dating only one guy and that i was pretty smitten. You would know that right before i came home for good he left me, we were supposed to be getting married and he left me with a broken lease and short $840 but he paid it back. you would know that i was depressed and crying over him for about a month and a half, even after i moved to Texas to live with an ex. You would know that i was only in texas for a month and that the ex-fiance and I would still talk and I kept trying to get him back but to no avail. You would know that he finally broke down and said that he had made a mistake in leaving me, and wanted me back but felt that he had burned his bridges. You would know that I drove 19 hours straight with no sleep to Florida just to be with him and marry him.

what you don't know is that my period started an hour after i got there. we got married four days later, it rained that day, he puked all morning so honeymoon night he slept the whole time, his car was stolen prior to me getting there so he was pissy and made me a day late in getting into our apartment because his mother made him think twice about the impound fees. You don't know that he's a 100% jackass after having been drinking hard liquor, so he stopped and just stuck to beer. One night after having about 10 beers he practically stole my car and just told me he was going down the street to the store when really he was going to pick up his friend and take him somewhere, friend never showed so he had another friend drive him in my car, told me he was on his way home but really was lying, had his friend lie to me about where he was, and didn't show up for about 10 hours after he took the car. all he could say was sorry. Just recently he backed into someone's car with my car because he was backing up too fast next to this big ass truck instead of going slower cause he couldn't see. he said damage was minimal but my bumper ended up falling off the next day and the shitty part about it is that my car is brand new and because it was my car, it goes on my insurance and raises it.

And what you really don't know is that everyday since we got back together, he' been trying to do right by me, but i refuse to cut him any slack because I'm still mad at him for leaving me the way he did and just the entire series of unfortunate event I've been experiencing with him. So instead of trying to just be happy with him, I've been tearing him down so this time, I'm the bad guy

I know I should sleep this off, but...

Today is the day!!! FINALLY. today is the day that I pack up my computer and my cat and make an 18 hur trip (I'll stop here and there of course) to Pensacola, FL to be with the man I'm in love with. It's only 5:15 so i need a few more hours of sleep, but I'm just so damn excited!!! I can hardly wait. I'm ready to go now baby!!! Wish me luck any one who cares.

Said you'd never come back, but here you are again

I'm literally going absolutely batty, everything is packed up, ready to be loaded, my car is totally loaded with all the stuff that probably would break or wouldn't fit in the cube. shoot, even my suitcase is already in the car, I'm ready to go, but the wait is killing me. Tomorrow they're bringing the little connex for me to pack my things in. Then Wednesday afternoon the moving help is coming to load it up for me. I'm hoping to have it picked up on Wednesday, cause I'm trying to get gone. If I have to wait til Thursday i will positively explode.

I've never wanted anyone so badly before in my life as much as i want my once again fiance. I'm rediculously anxious, so much so that if I didn't have to wait for all this crap to get shipped, I wouldn't been on my way to him the day I took him back. I spent two months begging God to bring him back to me, and now that i have him, these two days til being with him seem so much longer than the two months without him. Love is such a crazy, yet wonderful thing.

you only get one shot at a second chance

So, for the past two months I've tried just about everything to get my ex-fiance back. I tried crying for a week (all real, not fakin it tears), I tried playing Friends With Benefits so he'd remember how amazing the sex was, i cried my ass off when i had to get on that bus to come home from Kuwait, i tried talking things out once got home, really tried taling things out when i moved ut to El Paso all the way up until he said he met some chick on myspace and during leave he was gonna go see her, and if it didn't work out he'd come back to me. At that point i just gave up. His leave started, he went home to FL, and two days after he was supposed to be one the plane to see that girl, i get an IM telling me he never went to see her, and that he was still in FL, and that he knew he burned his bridges with me, and there was no hope for reconciliation. He realized that it was me he was in love with and didn't want to be without me, and blah, blah.

I bit the bait, hook, line, and sinker. But i was testing him out waitng for him to flake out again, but he didn't and hasn't. he seem more sure now than he was when we first were together. This will be a good thing. The new Mrs. Wilkerson.

and when we get home, i know it won't be home at all

i made it to El Paso yesterday. no accidents, no bumps or scrapes, spent a crapload of money on gas. then today i miraculously found the dollar store and got the kitchen a little stocked up on gear. Just waiting for the movers to get here so i can sleep on a normal bed. And once again, I'm desperately in need of a job. grrr. plus. only been here a day, already got ppl on myspace tryna hook up with me.

can't say I'm sad to see you go... cause I'm not

So, tomorrow marks the day that I fianlly leave my family's house for something non military related. I'm simply moving out. I have a roommate that's an old friend but he has issues and will hardly ever be there, and then when the lease is up, he's gonna pack up and leave anyway... so I basically have my apartment to myself. For those that read my post the other day, yeah. I'm still pretty raw from the break up, but we still talk. The situation in of itself was my fault for listening to other people's BS, but it was also his for not letting me know ahead of time that we had a problem... and that he didn't think he wanted to go down that road of committment with me anymore. So we both to blame, it just hurts because I am the initial cause. We're still friends though, as painful as that can be sometimes.

So I realized that I have a mess load of school to go through when I get to El Paso. I'm hell bent on becoming a surgeon. But I'll settle for a doctoe. I want this for three reasons. I like to help people, i want to make sure no one dies of some dumb shit like my grandmother did, and because even in a recession, i will practically always have a job. wish me luck on my quest.

I'll update again when I get internet in my apartment.

I write you just to let you know...

Hey everybody. I'm back from deployment, for good this time. I was engaged to be married, but I got dumped two weeks prior to my return home because he suddenly didn't want to be with me anymore, and he had an insatiable urge to stick he dick whereever he damn well pleased. I'll admit that I was heartbroken and angry for a little while, but when i came home it wore off, and it's not like I don't care, it's just i have other things to do besides worry about what he's doing, who he's with, and all that nonsense. I've spent so much time trying to take care of everyone else that now it's time for me to take care of me. so I'm going to be more attentive to my melo... maybe become a regular user again. but besides that... it's game time.

okay... so I've been of the net for a while

I'm back in Cali, just for a couple of weeks though. Have to go back to Kuwait for a few more months then I'll be back in Cali to pack the rest of my things, get married, and move away to Savannah, Georgia with the man of my dreams. I've had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince, but it's like a dream finally came true. New man, new surroundings, new life. Goodbye Victorville, CA. Was nice for the past 18 years.

still not dead

hey everybody. extreme long time no talk. i've just been soooooooo busy out here... and im supposed to be leaving this place in less than 60 days. that's fantastic right? but, instead of leaving, im staying an extra year. crazy huh. but the way i see it, i've got it made. w/o taxes i'll be making about $1600 every two weeks plus an extra $500 for staying so that's like $3700 a month which means me car will be more than paid for by the time i leave. which will leave me with approximately 26000 by the time i leave. plus i'll have a place to live, eat, and this time around, i won't be going into Iraq but maybe a few times out of the year because the job i've been tasked out for consists of staying right here in Kuwait. Plus I've already made some friends with the people i'm extending with not to mention other friends from the company im already in are staying too and most of them i get along with. plus there's a guy in this group im going to that i like and likes me and we're, well, u know. now that may not last, but i got it made in all other instances.

let's try this again

apparently my last entry was taken as me complaining that i don't fit in. negative. I'm actually overjoyed by the fact. i was simply stating that i notice i don't fit in to anything because a part of me believes in the exact opposite as well. the main purpose of my entry was to state a problem im currently facing with someone i admire from the opposite gender. i pushed away too soon and am having extreme difficulty getting things back to normal. currently, well at least earlier in the day i managed to get him to answer text... but now... we're back to square one. i at the point of giving up because even though i may have caused the argument, i got over it and asked forgiveness... and their have been times he's done stupider stuff than start an argument and i forgave. so... i give up. he wins.

The Greatest Takedown

John Steinbeck once wrote; "It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure on the world."

think about it.

Maybe this decision was a mistake.

thought I would finally update on my ever so interesting life. to sum it all up. people hate me. I just can't really fit in anywhere. I can't fit into the "be a bitch just because I want to" clique, or the "be as nice as possible to everyone while I stab them in the back" clique. can't fit into the little feminist groups where all men aren't shit (ironic since I have a clique on melo called 'Men are Whores') and definitely can't fit into the "i repeatedly wear my heart on my sleeve so that I can get fucked over numerous times" clique. So where does this leave me? It leaves me with a little piece of everything which results in me setting myself apart from the crowd... and people don't like it. I'll cuss yo out in a heartbeat if you cross me, but i'll be your best friend if you know better than to work my nerves on a regular basis. I love guys... believe that I do, but I'm too cautious now since the last few times I got burned really bad. yet even that cautiousness can't control what the heart wants so every now and then I do put my feelings on display and usually.. those feelings get shoved right back down my throat.

For example. most of you know that I ended my year and a half relationship some time ago. what you don't know is that he went back to his ex he had been cheating on me with just a few weeks after the act and now they're married. the whole reason they were exs in the first place was cause she was a cheating whore. hopefully marriage changes her. Then most of you know that when I cam e out to help fight this god forsaken war, I met a guy. you might even know we hit if off pretty well and then he went home, made plans to see me on my two weeks leave then 3 weeks before I go home he dumps me to work things out with his wife because he found out I was pregnant. couldn't contact him the entire three weeks, then I get home and I contact him and all he can preach is abortion because another child would make life too hard for him. sadly i didn't get the abortion and instead miscarried and we haven't spoken since.

Now I know a guy, that I really like a lot... I mean seriously. I'm not in love wit him or any of that, but I do genuinely like this guy. but I'm taking all the pain from the last two relationships and holding it against him... and I know it's not fair but I can't help it. I'm just so scared of getting my heartbroken again that I keep doing stupid things to try and push him away and now im afraid that last night I seriously did push him away. Now I'm playing the what if game. well what if I'm wrong and he's really different from the others. what if he's perfect for me. Hell, what if he becomes the new president and needs a first lady? i don't know what to do. I've already done pissed him off and he won't talk to me. I can't go to him cause im on crutches... im stuck like chuck.

2 days bitches!!!

I'l be home in two days for about two days.. oh joy! Pray that my plane doesn't crash or get shot down.

I might be somebody's momma soon

symptoms as of currently:

frequent peeing, getting that nauscious feeling without actually puking, irritablility, tender/sensitive boobies, the capacity to sleep all y without evn knowing why, senses are a little sharper, headaches, faintness...

for now, that's about it. it doesn't necessarily mean I'm pregnant mind you, but I don't think I'll rule that out just yet.

im not dead yet

hey guys. im writin to ya live from Kuwait. We've already started missions to Iraq but i haven't gone yet. I think my mission starts on Moday. wish me luck.

if only my buddy "cruel" were around to see these tattoos

I know everyone else will think they suck... but you know what? fuck y'all.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

My "angel/devil" heart

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

It's a Bradley Fight Vehicle: over the top it says "Bradley" (my last name) and beneath it says "Get Some"

yes hooker faces

im still alive and kickin. not in Kuwait yet... only one more month


that's the payment I receive every two weeks for being in the army. fantastic

in case you failed to notice

i'm still around... not to mention... alive.


roseofapathy's picture
Re: public

For some reason you still pop into my head miss rita :) I hope your well darling and life is all you ever could have wished for. Tc

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