Today has been pretty decent so far.

Work this morning was annoyingly busy. The workday is supposed to start at 230 am, but our temp machine operators show up at 2 am. Because they're temps, the other temps want to show up at the same time and get that extra half hour. It used to be that no one could start working until at least 215, but now management lets them start at 145.

This is a pain in the ass from my perspective. My tasks during rental return are dependant upon what the temps have separated into their damage/relabel boxes. It's sort of complicated to explain and I'm sure I have explained it elsewhere so I won't do it again, but I'll say that the amount of work I have to do can pile up pretty quickly unless I stay on top of it.

If I come in at 230 and they've been inspecting since 145, that's 45 minutes of work that has been building up and it can be overwhelming. Today I came in at 215 and was behind for the rest of the day. And that was only about 30 minutes worth of work I wasn't there for. So it means I need to get to work as early as these other people do or I won't be able to stay caught up. And that's annoying.

But I had some fun texting with a friend and it made it tolerable. I'm not really sure what management thinks of my texting, but no one has said anything. Probably becasue it doesn't keep me from getting my work done. So I'm not going to worry about it.

I read a part of a Wordsworth poem outloud in class today. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to speak with braces. Then I have to do something like speak in front of a lot of people and suddenly I'm reminded of how awkward I sound. It's a little embarrassing, but no more embarrassing than it was when I had horribly crooked teeth so I can deal with it.

I had this moment in the middle of my reading when the prof interrupted me for a minute to make a point, and I was still writing down my thoughts on his point when I noticed everyone had gone quiet and was staring at me and I remembered I still had to read. I went "oh!" kind of loud and laughed and kept reading.

I am such a ditz sometimes.

After class I went to get a fountain drink at the Circle K. I filled the cup too much and was struggling with Dr Pepper dripping down my arms when I noticed this guy dropped a small wad of 20s. He was trying to pay for his drinks and didn't notice it falling from his wallet. I called his attention to it and he told me I was awesome.

I like being told I'm awesome from strangers.

People have been very friendly to me lately. My friend recently dyed my hair this brilliant shade of red, and I'm pretty sure it's the hair that is making people friendly to me. Everytime this friend gives me a haircut/color, the world becomes a much friendlier place for a while.

Everyone loves a redhead.

And later today I'll be having a drink or two with my friend Elsie, who is determined to make this a weekly occurance. I think it's kind of interesting that I have friends determined to see me at least once a week. Sort of nice, I suppose. :)

And no work tonight! Woo!

I need a hobby.

Today I went to the orthodontist and they tortured me for 2 hours. I'm not sure it was necessary to go the whole 2 hours. They only worked on me for about half an hour. I spent the other hour and a half sitting in one of their chairs, listening to tween pop music and hating life.

Braces aren't comfortable. The things they do in order to make it all work is an uncomfortable business. And I'm paying them 3 grand for all this pain. So why not treat me with respect for my time and be a little polite when all is said and done.

Today is not the day for politeness.

I need a censor I think. Or I need some kind of chemical assistance to keep me from feeling like an idiot everytime I speak (or write). It debilitating. I'm giving myself anxiety pangs and a stomach ache.

Of course it could just be that my mouth hurts and that's why I feel this way.

If I don't break out of my schedule I'm going to lose my mind.

On a more positive note, I'm growing to be quite fond of chamomile tea.

I don't watch the show The Biggest Loser on a regular basis. I've seen one episode and there was a lot of crying. Too much crying for me. It is amazing what those people can do and I'm happy this show has been able to change so many lives, but I still have no desire to see very large people cry constantly.

In any case, Jillian Michaels. She's a trainer on the show. I'm not one for fads and she seems to be everywhere so I was rebelliously ignoring her and her diet and workout tips. I've been doing fine with my own thoughts on diet and exercise, as well as Jimmy's. Even so, at Netflix we rent her DVDs, and lots of people check them out. After seeing her 30 Day Shred DVD several billion times within the span of a workday, I decided I would rent it and see if I could be 'shredded' in 30 days. I have a little bit of a belly and would like it gone and if this can help with that in such a short amount of time, I'm for it. (I'm not sure what being shredded is, but I assume it means I'll look really good.)

I rented it about 8 days ago, but have only been able to work out 6 of those days. I pulled a muscle after the first 2 days because there's a lot of jumping involved in her workout and my calves are not used to such rigorous leaping. Despite that setback (I stopped for 2 days to heal), the workout is pretty hard. It's only 20 minutes but by the end of it I'm drenched in sweat and my body aches. I don't think I look any different but my endurance has certainly improved.

I think I need lighter handweights though. You need some handweights for her workout but she doesn't specify the weight. I happened to have some 5 pound weights lying around so I've been using those. My arms are dead for a little while afterward. It's probably a good thing because using heavier weight will probably burn more calories and build up muscle faster but it's really hard for me to keep my arms up for even 2 minutes when I'm holding 5 pounds in each hand. Really hard.

It turns out I kind of like Jillian Michaels. She's entertaining and takes what she's doing seriously. And I don't mind her comments and encouragement during her workout. Workout videos crack me up a little bit. My mom had several when I was a kid and they were bizarre and the people leading them were ridiculous. But Michaels isn't like that. She has a yoga DVD I thought I'd try, so I rented it. I'll try it along with this one.

I'll let you know if in 30 days I think it worked.

There's something wrong with my computer I think. It's slow and logs me out of things randomly. Like melo when I'm trying to make a post. Like it did a minute ago.

I wrote a long post ranting about how untrustworthy men are. I was rather impressed with it, but like most rants, it probably wasn't really worth posting.

It wasn't about Jimmy. I trust him entirely. It was about (straight) male friends and coworkers I have that just... let me down. I miss being a kid and being able to be friends with anyone I wanted to be friends with and it had nothing to do with romance. Or potential romance. So much is based on potential romance.

I have this friend I've known since high school that has a tendency to say and do things that makes me feel so disgusting there are times I don't ever want to talk to him again. I've always thought of him as a brother, a non-sexual being that I could hang out with all the time. I guess I misunderstood him, and 10+ years later he still hasn't changed.

I like growing up and having adult friends, but this dynamic sort of disappoints me.

I just got a webcam. It's amazingly fun to use. On skype. Yes.

I think I've already mentioned that I've started reading my books for next semester. I have so much reading ahead of me and so little time, it seemed like a good idea to get a jump on it.

The majority of the books I need to get through are for a lit class on King Arthur and Arthurian legends. I've finished one book (8 more to go) already. The Romance of Tristan. I really enjoyed it.

It reminded me of the Lancelot/Queen Guinevere relationship. Tristan and Yseut are in love, but Yseut is married to King Mark, so the lovers have to keep it secret. But, as usually happens, they can't keep it secret from everyone and it gets out. And much like Guinevere's experience, Yseut is forgiven and condemned over and over again. Only jousting can solve her problems. And it does, eventually. Sort of.

I was surprised by how sexual the book was. It's an old story, written in the 12th century. But certain things, like the casualness with which Tristan and Yseut (and the author, who kept interrupting the story with parentheticals much like I am doing now) talked about sex and their relationship was a bit unexpected to me. I guess I always think of people from the past as being so much more conservative than modern people.

It was a good story. I think the movie Tristan and Isolde was based on it. I don't know, I haven't seen it. But I think I will now.

There is this girl I know that I sort of wish would go away, but so far she hasn't and I don't know how rude I need to be to make that happen. I feel bad about being rude at all, because I would rather not be explicit. I would rather she just got the hint. But in over a year she hasn't.

We used to be casual friends, but we fell out because of her tendency to lie. Such stupid lies too. And easily found out. She would take some small kernel of truth and expand on it until it became some horrible story. The trouble I had was that she kept lying about me, and sharing these lies with other people. She doesn't know very much about me, but what she did know she ran with. I treated it like a personality quirk for a long time. She would bring up the lies and try to get me to agree with her version of things, and I wouldn't, but I wouldn't get upset about it either.

That all changed when she decided she needed to tell people I gave her permission to have an affair with married person, and when she started saying things about my parents. My parents have had their troubles, and I have my troubles with them, but I don't need a stranger making shit up and bringing it up in public places with other strangers.

So I was done then. And I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore, that I didn't want to talk. And she was pissed but she left me alone. Except every few months she would send me a text or let me know she changed her number. I ignored all of it.

Then last night my phone kept getting texts. Lots of texts. Because this girl was sending a large, multi-page text to everyone on her contact list. The text was directed to some guy and I think it was about some fight they had, I didn't read the texts so I don't know. She wanted everyone on her contact list to be invited into her problems with this guy.

It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. I felt embarrassed for the guy. I don't know what he did to upset her, and I don't care, but how humiliating to have some crazy girl broadcast your problems to however many people she has on her contact list.

I have to sleep during the day so I can work at night, and maybe I should have just turned my phone off at the first text, but I leave it on for Jimmy usually. But when her texts kept coming and it kept waking me up, I was getting pretty pissed off. Especially when I broke my rule about not responding and asked her after the first couple of texts to stop texting me and they kept coming regardless. I ended up telling her to remove me from her contact list, to never text me again, and that I was changing my phone number.

And I am. Because this girl doesn't listen and I'm tired of this bullshit. I wish she would leave me and my family alone, but as she seems incapable of that, I just have to make myself more unreachable. I've had this phone number for 7 years now. The first phone number I ever had that was just mine.

No use being sentimental.

I've been feeling like I need to do more with my days.

I do enjoy my life. It's quiet. I spend most days alone, just doing typical day to day living things. I clean my apartment. I work out. I make dinner. I read. Watch movies or shows. Put together puzzles. Solitary things.

It's occured to me that I do the same things a person in prison might do. Even with all my freedom, I tend to stay very cloistered.

I can't afford to take road trips and there isn't anywhere in particular to go during the day (and with it being over a hundred everyday, I don't really want to be outside), but I feel like there has got to be something more than this solitary life I'm living.

It would be better if Jimmy were here. Then doing these things at home would be less lonely. Making dinner alone or sitting around watching a movie alone is different than doing it with someone you love. It's not possible for him to be around, so I've just got to find something to do.

I like long conversations with friends. I have a friend that whenever we get together, we always have such great talks. We'll hang out at this coffee shop, or we'll get lunch and a beer, or more recently she came over for wine and we talked for hours. We talked about making that a weekly thing and I hope we do. Not just so I can get out of the house more, but because I really do enjoy that sort of thing.

I'd like to make more friends, honestly. But I'm not very good at it. And with my schedule it's really hard for me to be out during the evening. My friends have to be able to have lunch/dinner dates with me. I have dinner around 1 pm, and I'm in bed by 5. Normal people are at work then.

And I do like my internet friends. But I'd like to meet people that can get me out of my place. It gets harder to make friends the older you get, I think. The places to meet people and get to know someone become more limited. And for me, I'm looking for grown up friends. There's an abundance of young twenty somethings, just stretching their drinking legs and adventurous spirits, but I'm not interested in that.

I met a guy from New Jersey in my apartment gym yesterday. He just moved here and wanted to make friends. He made it kind of clear he was looking for more than a friend, so I mentioned the boyfriend and left the gym. Before that he talked about how he enjoys going to clubs and the like and how he's managed to make a lot of friends despite only having lived here for about a month. I thought that was interesting, but not really something I can do. I've never been good at going to bars or clubs and just making friends. Not really my scene.

I don't mind being alone. I love having my own place and spending my days off not having to see anyone if that's what I want. Even so, I don't think it's natural to be alone all the time.

I think I have anger issues. Something will bother me, and it doesn't have to be a big thing, but it will make me so mad. Mad to the point where I don't even notice I'm scowling, and I feel all tense, and I get irritated with everyone that tries to talk to me. It could even be something that happened months ago. It could be something that has nothing to do with me.

Today at work little things were bothering the shit out of me and I was getting the worst headache. My job has spoiled me in a way because whenever I get irritated or just sick of dealing with people, I can end my work day and go home. Usually. But since I've become full time it is my responsibility to make sure I stay for the hours they're paying me for. So I can't leave whenever I feel like it. Not if I want to get to 35 hours a week.

This is what ran through my mind for the 6 hours I worked today:

-Why do the people on the floor rip through the barcodes on the mailers? I can't return the dvds without a barcode and they know that so why give me the mailer if it doesn't have a barcode? May as well just throw it out and save me the second it takes to notice I can't use the thing.

-Why did Marcus get the raise and I didn't when he spends all day playing on his cell phone and avoiding work and I don't even take a ten minute break because I'm trying to make sure we get done on time? Why is it he is considered more valuable than me when I do double the work he does?

-Why didn't the guy at Subway just give me the 6" sub and small drink? Why did he force me to get the combo? I don't care that it's cheaper. Why not just give me what I order and I can decide whether I want to spend that extra dollar or not and they can keep their shitty chips and cookies?

-Why is it I am always relegated to the children's table when my family has get-togethers? I'm nearly 30 for fuck's sake. Can I please sit with the grownups now? Not that I minded sitting with my adult siblings and cousin in the kitchen, I just felt a little insulted that us not sitting in the dining room with the rest of the family was expected.

-Why does that jackass Ryan always look up at me when I pass his table? He is so irritating. People need to stop laughing at his antics because he's not funny, he's annoying.

-People need to stop shaking their heads at me when I pass their tables at work. I can see if they have anything for me to pick up. I don't want to interact with them.

-I hope I never have to talk to Allison again.

And everytime I felt myself slipping into this pit of anger and annoyance, I kept telling myself that being angry is a choice. I can choose to be in a bad mood. I didn't want to be in a bad mood, so I kept trying to smile and breathe and not be annoyed. I did okay, I made it through the day and got all the hours I had planned for myself today. And tomorrow I'll do the same. It really can be as easy as just deciding not to dwell or worry about what other people are doing or thinking.

I just have to remind myself of that alot.

I've decided I need focus in my days. I have about 20 books to read next semester, so I ordered 6 of them today and I'll get started on that. I only have a month and a half left until class is back in session. So much reading.

I'm having an incredibly lucky day!

I've been complaining lately about how my job doesn't seem to appreciate me. How they keep wanting me to work more and more hours, show my dedication, all in the name of getting a promotion I'm pretty sure I'm not getting. And then today they decided to pay more attention to the 'full time' and 'part time' labels for employees. Part time employees can only work 29 hours a week, at the most.

As I've been part time this whole time, yet working between 30 and 40 hours regardless, I was very concerned. How am I supposed to stay longer and do everything they want me to do if I'm not allowed to have the time to do it?

I was trying to figure that puzzle out when my boss pulled me aside and told me my hours have been on the fence lately regarding full and part time status. If I wanted, I could get full time status, but I would have to keep my hours above 30 consistently. She wanted to give me a few days to think it over but I told her right then and there I wanted it.

Full time means I get benefits. Health insurance! Dental! I can get my teeth cleaned! And I'm pretty sure I have a cavity and it's been making me paranoid. But no more! For I have benefits!

So yes! Still no monetary promotion, but guaranteed hours and health insurance is enough to make me happy. So happy!

AND THEN!

On my flight home the other day I left this book I've been reading on the plane. I thought I grabbed it and put it in my bag. I remember looking at my zipped purse and wondering why it was zipped because I never zip it and I assumed I must have put the book inside and zipped. For safe keeping? I don't know, but I was WRONG. It was not in there.

It was very sad because I was really enjoying that book. Whenever I'm reading something and getting into it, it lives in my mind for a while. I think about it constantly. And those characters and their stories were a part of my dreams and thoughts lately. I was just going to rebuy the book when I had money.

But, strangely, I got a call from my apartment complex's office. They had a package for me that had been sitting there for a few months. I went to pick it up and it was this book. A new copy of it. Just sitting in the office, waiting for me.

I was sort of surprised. Shocked, really. How fortunate that this book I've been thinking about and lost has magically reappeared. Almost like the future me knew I was going to lose the book and bought it and mailed it to me knowing I would need it when a couple months later the office would finally notice it and give it to me.

OR... when I emailed my dad about some things I wanted for my birthday and mentioned this author, he ignored my note that I already had this book and went ahead and bought it anyway (as he tends to do) and sent it to me, and I'm only just now getting the package. Makes sense as the date it was shipped is about a week before my birthday.

So mystery is probably solved. And yet! I'm so happy he didn't listen to me this time. :)

I fly to Kentucky in the morning. Rather, I fly to Chicago and then to Louisville. The travel time isn't actually that long but as I'm travelling 3 hours into the future it will seem so much longer. I hope I sleep on the plane, at least a little bit. I'll have 3 hours between getting off work and getting to the airport.

I'm nervous. I hate flying. I really do. And Jimmy will be busy so I won't be able to stay on the phone with him like I usually do before I fly. He's very good at making me laugh and distracting me to the point where I'm not worried about anything at all. He told me he'd try to call me before my flight for a few minutes and that will be nice. I'd rather have a few hours, but a few minutes will do for me.

He's really wonderful. Just saying.

He complains about his new job and the weird situations he's in, but I know he's happy to be there with people. Making friends. I can tell in his voice when we talk. He's excited. He's too social a creature to be living like he has been, all hermit like and alone. It's really awesome that this has happened for him.

I hope I've packed everything I'll need. I'm not a very good packer. And I'm just bringing a carry on and that's it. I'm not used to that. I'll only be there 2 nights so I figure I won't need much. And I probably won't. I'm just bad at forseeing what I may or may not need. And I'm unsure about the rules regarding makeup in the carryon. I read that non-liquid makeup isn't an issue, so I'm bringing powder and other solid type stuff. The only liquid makeup I'm bringing is my foundation, and it's more mousse-like than liquid. I think I read it had to be in 3oz quantities, but it's way less than that. So I think it'll be all right? I'm really not sure. I kind of need it though so I hope I don't have problems.

Ugh. Sort of wish I didn't have to work tonight. But it's fine. I'm making money. I didn't work as much as I should have. That's the problem when I'm in control of my hours. If I don't have to stay, I don't. Knowing that I could have had 40 hours if I was just willing to sit in that hub for hours and hours doing tedious, monotonous work is no motivator. Even if it means a $600 paycheck as opposed to a $400 one.

I should be sleeping. But I'm nervous. I wish Jimmy would call for a bit, but he's a busy man. And he'd just tell me to go to bed anyway. He's more aware of when I should be sleeping than I am.

I'm excited about seeing my sisters. I miss them. I miss my parents, even though they make me crazy. And everyone will get to see how straight my teeth have become! And how much weight I've lost. Haha... that's the best way to reunite with people you haven't seen in a while; prettier and healthier. I'm sure they're all doing wonderfully too. Or so I've heard. I feel like I'm living on a different planet sometimes.

I've been so fascinated by this oil well leak in the gulf. Fascinated and kind of horrified. I've been reading all the stories, and watching the live feed of the well and its leak.

Until today all I saw on that live video was the oil flowing out of the well, but today I saw that they've got the robots cutting that pipe. It's very interesting to watch. Though not much is happening. But seeing anything happen is better than just watching the oil spewing into the water.

I wonder who is controlling that big saw. I hope that he's good at his job.

People leave comments on the news stories and sometimes I really think they're missing the point. This isn't a ploy by a big corporation to fuck over the working man, but some people seem convinced it is. Also, Obama couldn't have done anything to fix it quicker even if he wanted to (and I'm sure he does). There is no secret special and fast government oil-well-leak fixer upper hidden somewhere they're withholding from us. It's irrational to blame this accident on Obama, or the length of time it's taking to clean it up. He's not a scientist or an oil well specialist.

BP, as much as they are to blame for this, has the technology to fix it. So let's just go ahead and keep blaming them, and them alone. Leave out the political stuff though. The oil well probably couldn't care less that it belongs to a corporation, it's going to keep spewing oil regardless.

I hope this latest attempt to stop the leak does some good. I read there was a risk it could make things worse. I can imagine the only reason they'd ever do something that might make it worse is if they're desperate. Desperation rarely leads to good things.

I recently read a book called Dreamland by Kevin Baker. It's about New York at the turn of the twentieth century. It mainly focuses on a particular Jewish community at that time, and revolves around the once famous amusement park on Coney Island called Dreamland. It's a fictional historical novel that uses real people as characters and real events as plot points.

The main characters all represented different parts of the New York experience at that time. Kid Twist and Gyp the Blood, both real people, were gangsters. Tim Sullivan, a celebrity of the time, was a part of the political scene. Esther may or may not have been real, but she was a part of the shirtwaist labor movement then and worked at the famous Triangle Shirtwaist company. It was famous for catching on fire and killing hundreds of workers, resulting in some of the safety labor laws we have today. Trick the Dwarf, who may or may not have been real, worked at Dreamland and lived within its "Midget City," one of many freakshow type amusements so popular during that era.

I like books that are about real people and events. What a strange era the early twentieth century was in New York City. Amusement parks full of freakish and frightening things and yet wildly popular. Gangsters all over the city killing each other and anybody else, and poisoning horses of all things. And the level of corruption in the political system.

Near the end of the book the fire at the shirtwaist company happens. The description of it and what happened to the women that died lasts for a chapter or so and it's heartbreaking. Much of what the books describes is accurate. I looked up news stories, pictures and articles about it written and taken at the time, and it was such a horrible event. I can't really stop thinking about the image of women jumping 9, 10 stories down to those firemen's sheets, hoping to be caught and saved by them, and ripping right through and dying, flattened.

By the way, this is a shirtwaist:

Just those crazy blouses women wore during that time.

I'm sort of in love with that era, the 1910s and 1920s. But I'm glad I don't live then. Life seemed so much harder. Though their amusement parks were a lot more awesome than ones these days. Probably because they were less concerned with safety.

This is Dreamland, one of three huge parks on Coney Island at the time (the others were Luna Park, and Steeplechase Park). Dreamland eventually caught fire due to some clumsiness or an accident and was completely destroyed. Everything was so flamable. It's a pity it was neve rebuilt. The other parks burned down a few times but were always rebuilt. Steeplechase was even open until the 1960s (though I wonder if its main attraction, a rollercoaster type ride where you sit on a mechanical horse and race others, still ended with a midget with a cattleprod harrassing people as they got off the ride to the amusement of a seated audience by the 60s).

I'm reading another of Kevin Baker's books right now called Paradise Alley. It's about Irish in New York in the 19th century, the civil war and Irish potato famine era. This writer is good at writing about tragedies and showing just how truly terrible those moments were. I'd never really thought about the potato famine, but a million people died during those years, and another million or so emigrated to the US. It's amazing.

I have the internet again!

Honestly, I'm concerned about this cost on top of a whole lot of other costs that are now my sole responsibility, but what can I say? We live in an era where being without the internet is more than a nuisance, it is a hindrance.

So I'm back! And pretty glad to have it despite my concerns.

And I really like my internet service provider. I had them maybe 2 years ago when I lived in the house, but had to switch to Qwest when I went back to apartment living. But I'm back with Cox, and it makes me very happy.

So much to say. And it's only been two weeks since I last wrote. I'll write more later.