it feels so good to write again

Although, I should be writing the two papers I have due this week :]

I do this a lot.
give all my love and devotion to melo,
then leave for a very looooooong time.

I guess its cus life is great.
And lets face it, how exciting are great life melo entries?

Anyway, 6 1/2 hours until I'm 21! HOOOORAY!
Fucking took long enough.

I'll hit a bar or two tonight at midnight, then the real madness happens tomorrow night with all the friends.

Friday, I'll drive down to the bay to see Glassjaw! AHH, so EXCITED!
(This is with hopes I'm not extremely hung over and puking the whole ride down).
Then back up saturday morning because love of my life needs to get to a memorial for his now deceased teacher :/

It should be a great time, filled with boos and love and presents and happiness. I'll update post-drunk fest and maybe even post some pictures.

I love you melo kids, even if I don't come around.
See you soon <33

so I have this pictured in my head so clearly, but I have no artistic ability and can't imagine even attempting to put it on paper. So here's a chance for you melo artists to get your doodle on. Here are the words, give me something good. They're coheed lyrcis by they way.

"something lurks, creeps on the countertop, somewhere behind you. Parasitic cyst, I can't stand to watch. It's coming up and out of your chest."

the last part is what I really have envisioned. Something narly and gruesome, a person lying on a countertop, screaming, with some crazy creature with tentacle like legs crawling out of his chest...either with another person standing near by watching, or drawn from the point of view as if someone were watching, but you can't see them (if that makes any sense). You may have ideas floating around, so go crazy.

amor for sleep is good live.

I'm watching bastards of young, reliving my high school dream days, pretending i'm not angry, not lonely, and not fed up with having an almost perfect fairy tale relationship, that barely falls short of everything I could have ever dreamed of.

_yeah, I guess that's a good place to start.

I swear that I have the perfect boyfriend, I mean, considering.
You can't have everything, or at least I keep telling myself that.

He's sweet, he takes good care of me, he treats me the way a person in love should.

But he can't say the words. almost a year, and he can't say it.
He also can't imagine living together,
he can't whisper sweet nothings that probably aren't true, but are nice to hear anyway.

"I would spend the rest of my life with you if I could."
"lets run away together"
"have my babies"
"you're the only one for me"

yeah, some of them sound stupid, some outrageous, but when you're madly in love, it doesn't matter. You're supposed to let those silly feelings take over, those feelings of forever.

But he's so scared of forever. I know it will never happen, but it's nice to pretend. It's nice to dream. But he's such a realist. So fickle.
Indulge me, you know what I want.
But he can't.

Maybe i'm too needy, such a helpless romantic.
correction, I know I am. But I've had others feed those needs. I've loved others merely for their love they could give.

Now I have a boy that I love for every other reason in the world, for who he is, what he does, what he stands for...but that undying love, passion, devotion, and hope for the future is missing. Should that really be a deciding factor in whether or not I stay with him?

I'm still thinking.
He could change, but I doubt he will.
And i'm not changing, that's for sure.

So here I am again, wondering if there isn't someone even better, even more perfect.

I'm 20, I guess I don't need to find him now.
but in the famous words of the beach boys,
wouldn't it be nice?


AND..he's still got a baby crush on his ex, the one who took his virginity.
FUCK THAT CUNT!
she ruined him, broke his heart, and tore whatever idea he had of love right out of him, and now he can't love me.

since being with him, I haven't had feelings for anyone esle. I haven't cheated, I haven't even entertained the idea. But now, those feelings are fading. Maybe it is because we see each other so much. He's mentioned that before..that he's becoming apathetic about our relationship because we see each other so much...like it isn't special anymore.

But I kind of thought that was what you were supposed to do, see each other all the time. You know, prepare yourself now for a life with one person. But he is such a space monger.

I hate being alone. I have other friends to occupy my time. But today for example, they're all gone or busy or whatever. And we were going to go on a bike ride. But then when I got to his house I could tell he wanted to be alone, so I left. He said he'd call later. Well I called around nine and he decided to go ride his bike alone.

see, its that little shit that pisses me off. promising me something then blowing me off, or doing it alone.

ok, now i'm just ranting..which I guess I can do, this is my melo. and I haven't done it in so long...but I'll stop.

back to the part about my feelings fading.

I've been questioning our relationship lately.
It's not that i'm getting bored because I see him too much;
i'm getting tired of these insignificant problems
that seem to do me so much damage.
I wonder if it would just be easier to call it quits,
but most of me knows that not true.

sometimes, like today when i was flirting with the hot guy at wildberries,
i miss being single. Hell, i'm even starting to miss being a slut a bit.

I'm sure if i tried that business again i'd be over it quite fast.

I'm just confused, which is all fine and dandy, and part of life, and its never-ending circular pattern. I just want my fairy tale to be 100%.

I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, which I guess is going to leave me rather empty handed in life. Because, lets face it, who really gives 100% these days?

Melo finally made it!
Congrats.

So still no internet at the house, thus no writing.
I've had alot going on though..All the juicy stuff is over with though.

There was some trouble in boy land for a while
but that's all settled and im happy as can be.

I'm totally slacking in school..I have two weeks to write about 6 papers...A total of almost 40 pages. Whatevs, I've always been a procrastinator but still seem to come out on top.

My roommate is crazy, like straight up wacko..I might be able to move soon though, hopefully.

I love all my friends, my man is amazing..Nothing too drama worthy going on. I could go on about all the details of my life as of recent, but it's really not necessary. I'm happy, i'm busy. I love this boy, keeping busy with the crew, work and school.

Coming home soon to visit, pretty excited. Hopefully i'll get to see some familiar faces, Robert you're included.

I hope everyone else is doing well, loving life, or for the sake of good things to write, hating it.

lovelovelove,
i'll try to come back more often

but just barely.
August has gone by so fast,
I totally lost track of time.

6 years man.
6 years.
I think i signed my soul away to melo for all eternity.

I love melo.
I love all of you.

And on another note, I'm a motherfucking giddy schoolgirl 24/7.
Matt Miller is his name.
and he's pretty perfect.

I've been making a list in my head recently
of everything I'm looking for in a man...
I've only been settling for second best since matt.
Probably since before that.

But Matt Miller tops my list. He owns it. He's the one.
He just graduated from humboldt, graphic design
he's 22, tall skinny white kid.
a total hipster/indie kid. blonde hair, blue eyes to melt for.
He works now mentoring kids with sever epilepsy
but just interviewed for a graphic design job with humboldt.

He totally gets my personality, my sense of humor,
and he's really attracted to me. It's obvious.
He's spent the last 5 days and 4 nights with me,
without sex.
I'm in love.

We laugh all the time, constantly smiling, talking, and doing something.
Adventures, we both love adventures.

We rock out to music
feed goats
walk around town
bike through the cow fields
walk across town drunk
go to the jeti and the marsh
and eat sushi.

I feel like I've known this kid for years. Really only about half a year. We were acquaintances because of Milon. Then about a week ago we started hanging out, and now we're dating. It's just so easy, so comfortable. I'm still super self-conscious, like I am all the time, but he makes it really easy on me. I'm just so stoked on him, and he feels the same about me.

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a failure.
or a fluke, or whatever it is I always end up with.
I'm tired of boy surfing, I'm ready to find a good one.
I really hope Matt Miller is it.

what the hell I mean to you.
anything at all?
is it even worth questioning?
or was it all just a facade?