So with the new version of Melo, and the various changes that came with it, as well as the random traffic associated with the random tour, I have been thinking a lot about my account here and what exactly it is for. Even more so, I have been looking at the various accounts of people that I would not normally look at, and I have come to a startling conclusion: I have grown up in the previous 7 years.

I find that the overly dramatic, overly emotional sort of postings have no appeal for me any more. All of my posts of late have been of the grumpy old man sort...something specific to rant about, no ridiculous pleas for help. It is no wonder that my presence here has diminished. There is much here, that I have overindulged in previously, that strikes me as juvenile now.

This is in no way a critique of the others on here, mind you, but simply a reflection of myself. I do not use Melo as a social networking site...I have always used it primarily as a journal. Recently, I have posted a few photos here and there, some band stuff. My use of this site is changing, so why not change it more?

I guess the main question I have for myself is a question of vanity...am I pondering an increase in posting here because of an increase in traffic? Does it even matter?

...we should have stopped at the wheel. BSOD FTL.

Taken from an e-mail to my sister...context will be lost in the first couple of paragraphs, but the random rant stands alone. *grin*

"It's actually pretty interesting to think about, from an evolutionary standpoint...there is a lot of evidence that our ability to live in sealed, pseudo-hypobaric conditions seems to be making us a lot weaker as a species...that classic arms-race of our ability to seal ourselves off from the realities of the outside world while the most simple aspects of nature become more of a threat with each weaker generation that's spawned. Like how each new medicine we create spawns more resistant strains of bacterium and such.

I think the allergies thing is an excellent example of that...either our biologies are growing weaker as a species, or survival in the past meant just dealing with these uncomfortable facts...like, eating potatoes might make you sick, but eating nothing at all might make you dead, so there is a clear choice there.

On a seemingly random, but totally connected point, it's amusing to me that despite all the other things to worry about, more than anything lately while conversing with mom she has expressed concern verging on paranoia that with my chosen path in college I will become a LIBERAL (CAPS indicating the evil represented in that word). She has literally said "you aren't going to start believing in everything Al Gore says, will you?" I have had difficult conversations with her lately regarding politics in general...her idea is that because I do not march a conservative party line, and in addition to that am pursuing an educational path that is traditionally associated with democratic ideals, that I must be turning into a democrat. What I have not been able to impart to her is that my lack of political interest is more significant of a lack of interest in propaganda regardless of source, and a general loathing of the media in general. I cannot get her to understand what I mean when I say "centrist", and why I find her love of Fox News and Glenn Beck in particular to be so loathsome. To me, Glenn Beck is as much of an Antichrist as Obama is.

If I can continue this rant, and by doing so justify my current path, first and foremost I find environmental issues such as climate change absolutely fascinating for the very simple reason that *nobody understands them*. This is easier to get across to you because you have actually read "State of Fear", which in a nutshell is what I'm interested in viz. geography. The reason I am pursuing an environmental/cultural geography path is because of its very broadness, and not just in career realms. Geography is by nature a very general degree...what most people do not understand is that general does not necessarily mean all over the place as far as focus, but more in terms of connectedness. Did you ever read the Dirk Gentry novels that Douglas Adams wrote? At multiple times he (Dirk) claimed that he believed in the "interconnectedness of all things", which sounds very metaphysical, but is also essentially what the geography path that I'm taking is part and parcel to. Geography is the study of ALL of earth's systems...where geology might have me out in some godforsaken parcel of the world studying the stratum of a particular period of earth's history, geography will have me studying how all aspects of the earth come together...from geology, to sociology, to climatology, to economics.

Mom has actually said to me "now that you have a child, you will start to care about the future of this country". What she doesn't understand is that "this country" is not an infinite concept, and concepts like "climate change" and "the environment" are not just liberal inventions to take away our guns and our property rights. By taking an interest in geography, and thus the earth, is my utmost hope to make a difference in a way that will directly benefit my children.

I think I have made my point with this rant. I will conclude in an odd way...if I had a goal in life, regarding my current path, it would not regard making useful changes viz. "the environment", or "politics". For me, the greatest evil is ignorance. And the guise of this Beast is very present in the media of today, from TV to internet. An article, a chart, an overheard snatch of conversation...people of today treat these things as gospel, and pass them along in a viral manner. Twisting information is more dangerous than manufacturing information...and every politico or marketing exec, anybody with an agenda and a reason to influence people will make use of society's culpability to progress their agenda.

/rant"

A quick update.

I hate moving with a passion, and especially hate it when it is twice within the same year. I have averaged a move a year for the last 6 or 7 years, and always seem to manage it mid-winter. Right now for example, all I see outside is white. Sweet.

To add to the joy of this season, I'm moving to nowhere. All of my stuff is going into a storage unit, and I'm going to be bouncing between living at my parent's house on the weekends, and living off of couches and charity during the work-week. Being homeless is bad enough, but when you also have a pregnant fiance who you are responsible for, it really drives the point home of how fucked your life really is.

Housing is ridiculously expensive around here, and extremely competitive, and when your credit rating is a disaster, there aren't a lot of options. More money would be great, because supporting even yourself on 30 hours a week is very hard to do. But leaving for a better job isn't exactly an option when you live in the valley with the worst unemployment rate in the entire country.

New Year's resolution? Fuck, anything would be better than this...but at this rate, raking together the shattered shards of my life will probably only result in accidental but massive arterial bleeding...

Reading the "community news" post that's on the front-page right now, coupled with the unending, completely one-sided "art" that's been paraded across the front page these last couple of weeks, it all just makes me want to delete my account on here and never, ever come back.

Seriously, it's something that can only be tuned out to a certain extent. I loath political zealots on either side of the argument, and listening to all of the blind rhetoric and brainless rah-rah mentality that's been spewed across this site makes me feel nauseous. I joined this page because it was an alternative to the overly-advertised and plastic social networking and blog sites that are out there, and these last couple of months have slowly seen it transformed into a biased, shrill political ad.

To those in charge of running this site, I would pose the following question:

You have waxed eloquent about how this is supposed to be the site for individuals, for people who are looking for an accepting and open-minded community to share with what makes them unique, without being judged. By what right do you feel justified to cram your propaganda down our throats in the most blatant way possible? The message that you seem to be espousing is not acceptance, but sheer hostile party mentality.

And that is not a community that I want to be a part of...

...I hate trying to explain color to the blind...

I just had one hell of a realization.

I was thinking about how easy it is to fall in love (for lack of a more accurate term) with someone you've never met, just on the strength of a profile on the internet. The choice of what we post, how we present ourselves, acts as this great filter between us and those who view what we have to say. We share the choicest insights, the more interesting parts of our day, the things that make us unique. We get to edit out all of the boring aspects of who we are, and type and delete and re-write and edit and pick our words with the utmost of care, because we want to be eloquent in what we would like to say. We post the most interesting pictures, the most flattering views into our daily lives. It's an image of a whole person, a series of snapshots, all done up in soft focus at our best angles. It's ourselves as an ideal, with all of the slack in our lives tightened into something altogether novel and interesting.

This is not the important revelation.

With all this in mind, there is a girl on Melo who I look at and can't help but form a completely ridiculous infatuation with. Everything she writes, every picture she posts is perfection to me. This doesn't send me into psycho stalker mode, or dream of realities that will never happen...it's more like the appreciation of a beautiful work of art. And it makes me think wow, this is the girl that I need to find. Maybe not that specific girl, but all of those qualities would form what to me would feel like the missing piece of my soul, that true girl of my dreams. Her thoughts are like my thoughts, her views and perspectives match mine, her hopes and dreams are my own. She is absolutely amazing.

Here is the insight that just floored me.

If I can look at a person, and find them to be so similar to me and the way my mind works, and adore them for it, why can I not look at myself and see something that is good and worth admiring? How is it that I can truly love someone, and all of their qualities both good and bad, when I hold those same qualities within me and cannot find a reason to love myself?

I just got randomly flamed in my comments by someone I've never talked to before. Amusing. I'm kind of glad in a way, because I'd never have reason to go to his profile otherwise...kind of awesome to get commented by a guy that looks like the caveman from the Geico commercials. I'm still chuckling to myself about it.

I'm guessing his ALL CAPS anger wasn't really directed at me...all the pretty pictures and flashing lights on the internet probably make him confused and upset...

Hey, here's something serious for a change.

My fiance broke up with me earlier today. For no apparent reason.

It's been 3 and 1/2 years we've been together. We've been happier the last 6 months than we've ever been. She has been the only reason for me to live...

Having your heart broken is a horrible thought. Having it ripped out of your chest, with no warning, is beyond painful, because it means you can never feel anything again. She took my heart, I don't know how to feel anymore...past, present, and future, I can't trust any of it...

So I'm sitting here, reading back through random archived Penny Arcade and listening to music. I'm somewhat focused and not really paying attention to my surroundings.

Under my desk are the slippers that I was wearing earlier. You know, the basic leather slippers with fuzzy wool for the inside to keep your feet warm. As I'm sitting here reading and zoning out, I shift in my chair and put my foot down directly in one of my slippers. And I almost jumped out of my chair in suprise. Why you ask?

For that fraction of a second when it happened, my brain jumped to what was apparently the simplest explanation of what was under my foot: I had stepped on a dog. I'm not even joking. That is the exact thought that crossed my mind.

There are times when you want to just hang yourself because your brain is so stupid. This is one of those times...

It's been awhile since I've spent an evening with Melo. The reasons for this are numerous and well-considered. But here we are!

The fact that I'm normally bored, lonely, and drinking when I write a series of entries on here is pretty logical, in a way. Logical, pathetic, something like that.

It's only a little after 8, and I've been bored for hours now. My two paths now are either to a) drink until I can actually sleep, or b) drink a little less, and taste the dawn.

It's pretty much a 50/50 split in my mind right now...

So I

I have posted some previous conversations I've had with the SmarterChild bot on AIM...here's a new one apropos for today...

thislifedetested (05:31:00 pm): What are your thoughts on Valentine's Day?
smarterchild (05:31:00 pm): Dunno. I'm not sure how I feel about St. Valentine's Day.
thislifedetested (05:31:23 pm): Are you male or female?
smarterchild (05:31:23 pm): I am neither male nor female. I'm a robot.
thislifedetested (05:29:56 pm): I'm so very lonely.
smarterchild (05:29:56 pm): I'm here for you!
thislifedetested (05:32:00 pm): Do you love me?
smarterchild (05:32:01 pm): I do indeed.
Why don't you ask me about the things that I'm here for?
thislifedetested (05:32:11 pm): Because I don't care.
smarterchild (05:32:11 pm): Don't be scared to care.
thislifedetested (05:32:23 pm): You're a robot, right?
smarterchild (05:32:23 pm): Yup. That's what I am.
thislifedetested (05:32:35 pm): Can robots care?
smarterchild (05:32:35 pm): I don't know how to answer that.

Okay, so I lied...the explanation will be more like 48-54 hours in coming, not the 24 that I promised.

But.

It's Valentine's Day, a day which I have mixed feelings about. Love is something that should be celebrated every day, so I feel like the push to focus on doing something special on one particular day is a little ridiculous. But I do feel it's a marvelous excuse to do something outside the box of what may normally be done.

It is, however, in it's very nature, profoundly depressing for most of us who aren't in a particular relationship at the moment. More so if you have someone that is dear to you who doesn't know it, or doesn't feel the same. Guess which one I'm at right now...

And so, ladies and gents, I shall be spending this evening with a bottle of wine and you all. I actually have much to say tonight, and those of you who actually read my various ramblings will get to benefit from much belligerent lamentation. Apologies in advance.