Okay, so as it turns out Geochemistry and Groundwater Geology are damned hard. I don't understand ANYTHING in Geochemistry and Groundwater is VERY tedious. I estimate my chances at passing with a C in Geochem at 20%, and Groundwater at 65%. Meteorology shouldn't be a problem.

So I still have the option of withdrawing from Geochemistry. This wouldn't look as bad on my record as an F.

BUT...if I do that, I would have to either retake the class in two years (and hope I pass) or find a new major.

This was a serious dilemma a couple of days ago but I think I'll just stay in the class. I don't have much to lose if I do. Except an F would look like shit on my transcripts, and I'm applying to other colleges.

Also, I need to fall in love. I'm not happy unless I'm with someone. Don't know why...

A short while ago, a boy and girl decide to have a sexual relationship. It wasn't specifically stated that it was to stay a physical relationship, and the girl eventually grew feelings for him. He is accepting of the idea, and they go out on a date. It goes very well, it seems. The next time they meet intimately, she feels it's not the same anymore and stops seeing the boy entirely. He wonders what the hell he did wrong.


So it goes.

Over the last few days (weeks?), I have come dangerously close to unraveling completely. A research paper is due on Monday. Labs on Tuesday. Exam on Friday. A couple of times I calculated how it would impact my grade in the class if I were just to stop now. Of course I would fail. But the thought of me doing this is lousy.

I KNOW I can do this paper. It requires a lot of time and work, which is the furthest thing from my mind right now. But I can do it.

So far today has been productive. Until I start thinking about things and lose it for a while.

This winter will either be very good or very bad. Being done with this quarter will be relieving...but I don't wanna feel like I did this summer, having no sense of direction or meaning. Back then, I looked forward to school with so much anticipation. Then it started. Things were okay for a while. But things don't really change at all. It's not the situation I am in. It's me. Like I am always looking forward to better times, but they never come.

I've tried to change. And I have. Yet it's a very slow process. Meanwhile, I should just try to make the most of it. But that's so hard. How can you feel satisfied if you are missing a fundamental piece from your life?

The days pass by quickly now. I look at the past with apprehension now. I long for it sometimes. But how did I actually feel back then? I'm sure I remember it greater than it was. Or at least deceive myself to do that.

One of my fondest memories was in my first year of college. Falling asleep in my car at school, waiting for class, listening to Elliott Smith's newly released New Moon. Yet if I think hard enough, I know I felt like shit back then too.

What can I do? Move away, leave all I've ever known? I don't have the courage to do that. And again, that probably wouldn't change things.

As I write this entry, my mood is improving. And for no reason at all. In fact it should probably be getting worse, now that I have cut 1.5h from time I could have spent doing hw. I'm listening to The Dead Texan. That must be it. Such amazing music.

Suddenly, the tides have turned. That's a perfect analogy. It won't last. But I'll enjoy it while I can.

Feeling like shit again.

I know I'll feel better in the afternoon. But I can't do this forever.

I kinda had a rough time last night. Took too much of something and lost all sense of self, place, and time. I snapped myself back into reality a few times, but only for a few seconds. Like trying to keep yourself awake when you are REALLY sleepy. My motor functions were almost completely gone. I mumbled some words to myself a few times. It seemed like it went on for hours.

At about 9:30pm (one hour after I began), I put on some headphones and started listening to David Bowie. I only got through the first track on The Man Who Sold The World, as far as my memory is concerned. Next thing I know, it's 12:45am and I am lying in bed with my headphones and the tv on.

The problem is that my parents were gone when I started this. And they were home when I woke up. I really hope they didn't see me quietly nodding out on my bed, thinking I was on heroin or something...cause I don't remember their arrival. I recall hearing the front door open and shut, but nothing beyond that. I was not coherent.

Today they looked at me with suspicion when I told them I had to go to the library to look up some books I needed for a research project. Of course I was lying, so their suspicion was warranted. But it seems they know something.

All of this this pales in comparison to today's overwhelming experience. But I can't even begin to describe that in words.

I have been trying to sleep for the past 7 hours. But I just can't do it. Why is this happening? I have a minor cold I think, but that doesn't explain this. Was it the 2C-E? No no no, that wore off about 6 hours ago.

I'll just go with it. Thankfully my body doesn't feel tired or anything so it's not too bad. And at SOME point I will have to fall asleep. And when that happens it will be the greatest thing ever.

Pretend it's 4:43PM...

My former assemblage of feelings has been reduced to just one. When did this happen? How didn't I notice?

But this is much better.

In exactly 48 days I hope to be on the peak of Mount Erie.

Then I'll just lie there in the grass.

It's gonna happen this time though.

Really, it will.

Today is a red-letter day

After the movies, we went back to her house. She invited me to go dancing with her, but it was about 9:30 by then and I didn't think I could stay up for even a few more hours. I kinda wanted to go, too. Before I wouldn't have even thought twice about not going. And I don't really know why I wanted to go this time.

So then she prepared to leave. I had nearly forgotten how pretty she is. After she applied her eyeliner, she looked me straight in the eyes. She looked stunning.

Once she was done, she asked me why I couldn't look at her...I had briefly avoided eye contact. I couldn't tell her it was because she looked remarkable. I really wanted to say that, but instead I mumbled, "I don't know."

When I got home I considered calling and telling her. Just to get it off my chest, I feel restless otherwise. I still really want to tell her. But that probably wouldn't be good right now. I am still not who I want to be yet. Also, she probably has lost completely interest in me.

I won't focus on that though. Today was a good day.

Deep in My Documents, I have a folder filled with memorabilia from a few years ago. This involves pictures, letters, and some assorted meaningful AIM conversations. All about a girl I love.

I rarely ever access it, as I have no reason to. But I can't bring myself to delete it. Those were immensely happy memories (so much more happier in retrospect though), but looking in that folder, and looking at what I had just depresses me to hell. I know I shouldn't look in there. But I can't help myself. Every couple of months I do, as I did today, and the rest of my day is completely ruined.

Those times are dead and gone. After looking in that folder, I sometimes send her a text message. In her reply, I search for the slightest sign of affection towards me. But I don't find it. I grit my teeth...more in restlessness and despair than in anger.

I still hold on to this imaginary hope of interest from her. But so far, it is only one way love. Should I delete this folder? What good could ever come from this? Reminiscing about love sucks, if it ended badly.

I am dumb.

So, on a whim, I went out and bought a Nikon D40 w/ 18-135mm lens.

This is my best impulse purchase in a while

Once again, I am considering changing majors...this time to Geology.

I have never been this content with school. My 'Principles of Geology' class is amazing. 'Geography of California' is also very interesting, sans all the history/cultural parts.

Next quarter I am taking 'Introduction to Astronomy,' 'Introduction to Oceanography,' and 'Natural Disasters.' None of these count toward my current/prospective major, but I predict I will enjoy them immensely.

Also, I plan to take a minor road trip up the west coast in mid June...with a friend...and if not, then by myself... visiting Mt. Lassen, Mt. Shasta, Caldera(Crater) Lake...and hopefully Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier...in a 7-12 day span.

It will be good to get away.

I really hope I find what I am looking for in Eugene. If I don't overcome my problems by moving, then I can't see myself living a decent life.

If things got bad I can see myself considering suicide. But to actually do it is a whole different story.



I wish someone cared about me.