hateondisplay
A poem of Disdain.
How do you wipe the taste of an unwanted kiss from your lips?
The acidic feeling seems to corrode the insides of your lushes,
and your left feeling weak and dirty.
Too bad no seems to escape you as this Moment seems to birth.
'Its grose... why are you fucking touching me?'
'and why am i fucking letting you touch me..?'
You taste like honey...
mixed with arsenic.
The acidic feeling seems to corrode the insides of your lushes,
and your left feeling weak and dirty.
Too bad no seems to escape you as this Moment seems to birth.
'Its grose... why are you fucking touching me?'
'and why am i fucking letting you touch me..?'
You taste like honey...
mixed with arsenic.
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Time heals everything.. But ill always remember.
I lost my baby at 4 months.. The thursday before last.
It was in me for so loong.. and now its just gone.
Ive got myself convinced it was a girl.. im almost positve. I mean i guess i cant be positive.. but.. i get a feeling that it woulda been a girl.
4 months isnt forvere.. it isnt even a LONG time i guess.
But when you feel that in you..
when its Really in you... and grows with you,
and youve been nourishing it for that time, and you see your belly grow..
And then you wake up one day.. and its gone... It feels so bad.
Im sad about this.. you know.. and it hurts to think about what Could have been with my child.
I would have called her Iris or Jordan if it was a girl
Or for a boy London.
I cried so much for it... but.. i guess i feel better now... Time heals everything. But.. ill always remember.
It was in me for so loong.. and now its just gone.
Ive got myself convinced it was a girl.. im almost positve. I mean i guess i cant be positive.. but.. i get a feeling that it woulda been a girl.
4 months isnt forvere.. it isnt even a LONG time i guess.
But when you feel that in you..
when its Really in you... and grows with you,
and youve been nourishing it for that time, and you see your belly grow..
And then you wake up one day.. and its gone... It feels so bad.
Im sad about this.. you know.. and it hurts to think about what Could have been with my child.
I would have called her Iris or Jordan if it was a girl
Or for a boy London.
I cried so much for it... but.. i guess i feel better now... Time heals everything. But.. ill always remember.
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philosophy
(an exert from: neonjoint.com)
"I suggest you watch the movie "Stigmata" to feel the impact that I did. Even though it is just a movie, it brings a very basic idea to life and in a way that most can understand easily. When I first heard the words, I finally understood the simple concept all religions seem to complicate. I finally realized how brilliant Jesus was and how he has been degraded and used for power and wealth by very evil people..
There is one, and only one thing you need to do in the real religion of this world and for all that exists. You must understand these words:
The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you.
Not in mansions of stone or wood.
Split a piece of wood and I'll be there.
Lift a stone and you'll find me.
These are the words Jesus spoke.
Those who understand these words shall not taste death.
Whether this is Hollywood or heresy is not important, because the final credit that explains this is real. (A document of this caliber does exist in the Vatican and predictably it's called on as Heresy.) These words speak more truth about Jesus then anything in the bible, because the original message has been gone since the first church was born. So really how can anyone claim to know God's message when all that remains is a one sided oppressive belief that moves in one direction. The direction that the church seems to decide every time it's authority is questioned.
The reality is that no one really knows what Jesus said because the literature keeps getting edited. Edited without God's explicit approval, and so the modern and edited bibles are unusable and worthless. Unless God himself speaks, who are we to even attempt to interpret his will? There is no way around it. No exceptions. Just as the Christians like to preach.
To make sense of the words above to those who still don't understand, it's saying that God is absolutely everything. Not just one being or superpower. It's saying you are a part of everything. The only thing separating you from me is our bodies and our distance. We are all a part of something that can't be explained nor does it want to be. All it cares about is that you understand that you're a part of it and that it's all around you. The size of what encapsulates us is unmeasurable unlike our own lives. We are not even an atom inside an atom, etc.
Everyone and everything are simply extensions of ourselves in an ever expanding and perhaps retracting space of energy and time. The only thing that is definite is that you will always exist whether it's a part of something else, or perhaps a fragment of some repetitive cycle we're all doomed to repeat forever. Our bodies are temporary vehicles with energy and time being all that eternally exists. Even Albert Einstein said that he believes something happens when we die because energy never stops moving. Whether he was referring to my point is not important, but the man awarded as the most intelligent and logical person of the last 2000 years saw something bigger than us all through logic, and that is important.
Remember, Jesus did exist. 2000 years ago a wonderful, ingenious man was alive. He spoke well and acted as the person we should all try to be more like. He might even have been the greatest public speaker the world has ever seen, but he was not from "The God." His reference to God is a primitive form of saying all that exists. He was indeed the child of God, but so are you. If you read what actually remains of his words you will see forgiveness and improving yourself without attention to others was his real lesson to us all, and perhaps the only differance between heaven and hell is in the way you choose to live your life now. Judging others is something he was against and all donations would be declined. You think Jesus wanted gold plated churches?
There is no praying and no wrath. God already knows who you are and why you did what you did. In fact he knows what your thinking right now and what you will be thinking in 20 years if you're not dead. You're here to explore one view of the universe for him. There is no anger or debt to him, because he is not one being. He is you, I, and everyone. You only owe yourself to change, and do what you know is right for yourself and others. Everything forgives you and everything loves you. All that should be feared is the energy you sow. "
"I suggest you watch the movie "Stigmata" to feel the impact that I did. Even though it is just a movie, it brings a very basic idea to life and in a way that most can understand easily. When I first heard the words, I finally understood the simple concept all religions seem to complicate. I finally realized how brilliant Jesus was and how he has been degraded and used for power and wealth by very evil people..
There is one, and only one thing you need to do in the real religion of this world and for all that exists. You must understand these words:
The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you.
Not in mansions of stone or wood.
Split a piece of wood and I'll be there.
Lift a stone and you'll find me.
These are the words Jesus spoke.
Those who understand these words shall not taste death.
Whether this is Hollywood or heresy is not important, because the final credit that explains this is real. (A document of this caliber does exist in the Vatican and predictably it's called on as Heresy.) These words speak more truth about Jesus then anything in the bible, because the original message has been gone since the first church was born. So really how can anyone claim to know God's message when all that remains is a one sided oppressive belief that moves in one direction. The direction that the church seems to decide every time it's authority is questioned.
The reality is that no one really knows what Jesus said because the literature keeps getting edited. Edited without God's explicit approval, and so the modern and edited bibles are unusable and worthless. Unless God himself speaks, who are we to even attempt to interpret his will? There is no way around it. No exceptions. Just as the Christians like to preach.
To make sense of the words above to those who still don't understand, it's saying that God is absolutely everything. Not just one being or superpower. It's saying you are a part of everything. The only thing separating you from me is our bodies and our distance. We are all a part of something that can't be explained nor does it want to be. All it cares about is that you understand that you're a part of it and that it's all around you. The size of what encapsulates us is unmeasurable unlike our own lives. We are not even an atom inside an atom, etc.
Everyone and everything are simply extensions of ourselves in an ever expanding and perhaps retracting space of energy and time. The only thing that is definite is that you will always exist whether it's a part of something else, or perhaps a fragment of some repetitive cycle we're all doomed to repeat forever. Our bodies are temporary vehicles with energy and time being all that eternally exists. Even Albert Einstein said that he believes something happens when we die because energy never stops moving. Whether he was referring to my point is not important, but the man awarded as the most intelligent and logical person of the last 2000 years saw something bigger than us all through logic, and that is important.
Remember, Jesus did exist. 2000 years ago a wonderful, ingenious man was alive. He spoke well and acted as the person we should all try to be more like. He might even have been the greatest public speaker the world has ever seen, but he was not from "The God." His reference to God is a primitive form of saying all that exists. He was indeed the child of God, but so are you. If you read what actually remains of his words you will see forgiveness and improving yourself without attention to others was his real lesson to us all, and perhaps the only differance between heaven and hell is in the way you choose to live your life now. Judging others is something he was against and all donations would be declined. You think Jesus wanted gold plated churches?
There is no praying and no wrath. God already knows who you are and why you did what you did. In fact he knows what your thinking right now and what you will be thinking in 20 years if you're not dead. You're here to explore one view of the universe for him. There is no anger or debt to him, because he is not one being. He is you, I, and everyone. You only owe yourself to change, and do what you know is right for yourself and others. Everything forgives you and everything loves you. All that should be feared is the energy you sow. "
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Now.
i gotta job
broke up with that loser i was "dating"
am soo happy
am going in a new direction
and feel great.
broke up with that loser i was "dating"
am soo happy
am going in a new direction
and feel great.
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to be continued
i hate writing now.. i hate it so much cuz all i write is anger and sadness..and violence.. is that really who i am inside..? is that really me..?
its such a scary thot to know that my miond is capable of inventing these whack thots. its like.... do i not know what reality is..? do i not know how to deal with these fucken feelings so they dont surface and scare the shit outta me..?
its such a scary thot to know that my miond is capable of inventing these whack thots. its like.... do i not know what reality is..? do i not know how to deal with these fucken feelings so they dont surface and scare the shit outta me..?
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In Between Us
[Nas]
Circumstances are like my first fight I lost
It was swinging, my arms bugging, adrenaline pumping
Oh shit, this little nigga's thugging
I mean, I was thirteen, I was nursing a knot on my face
But chose another time and a place
That I would avenge my last fight cuz the same shit
Ain't gonna happen that just happened last night
Knuckle game changed quicker than lightning
Hit 'em or slice 'em
Either stick 'em or blast pipes, its the fastlife
I try to give another nigga advice, shoot dice
Do plenty of shit cuz this life, how many you get?
How many niggas do you know get two
Besides a nigga who snitch to skip a life-bid, be one a' your crew
I don't respect killers, I respect O.G. knowledge
Codes of the streets got new rules, but no guidance
Lessons, detrimental to a young disciple
Focus, take care of your brothers, niggas do as I do
Keep your enemies close, where they can see you
It's not your enemy who get you
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
[Chorus: Tanya Herron]
Mass confusion, in my head
Killing me, driving me mad
Got me wondering, can I trust my friends?
Cuz they stick me in my back every chance they get
Am I paranoid? and if that's the case
Is it curable? Can you help me find my place?
I can't handle this, I'm losing it
With a loose grip I'm hanging on to emptiness
Help your brother, save him from the
Evil demons, in between us, came between us
[Scarface]
I know you hate me, don't you
I bet you sit and wish my time never came
You probably rather see me die in the game
You probably rather see me die in a plane
Well ya'll see me up on top of my thang
I get my money shit changed
And niggas start looking at me different than this
I'm downplay the real of this shit to get with a bitch
But I'ma tell a motherfucker like this
You only good as what you come up against
Nigga you get what you get
Sure the grass is greener on the other side of the fence
But any attempts and you gonna need the guy in the trench
I'ma starter while you riding the bench
You saying you a player, well I'm the one designing your prints
Something to go by, to let these niggas know I
Don't believe in letting shit slide, nigga gonna die
Best friends since high school seniors
But the homeboys are meaner, they let the bullshit come between us
Circumstances are like my first fight I lost
It was swinging, my arms bugging, adrenaline pumping
Oh shit, this little nigga's thugging
I mean, I was thirteen, I was nursing a knot on my face
But chose another time and a place
That I would avenge my last fight cuz the same shit
Ain't gonna happen that just happened last night
Knuckle game changed quicker than lightning
Hit 'em or slice 'em
Either stick 'em or blast pipes, its the fastlife
I try to give another nigga advice, shoot dice
Do plenty of shit cuz this life, how many you get?
How many niggas do you know get two
Besides a nigga who snitch to skip a life-bid, be one a' your crew
I don't respect killers, I respect O.G. knowledge
Codes of the streets got new rules, but no guidance
Lessons, detrimental to a young disciple
Focus, take care of your brothers, niggas do as I do
Keep your enemies close, where they can see you
It's not your enemy who get you
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
It's always your own people
[Chorus: Tanya Herron]
Mass confusion, in my head
Killing me, driving me mad
Got me wondering, can I trust my friends?
Cuz they stick me in my back every chance they get
Am I paranoid? and if that's the case
Is it curable? Can you help me find my place?
I can't handle this, I'm losing it
With a loose grip I'm hanging on to emptiness
Help your brother, save him from the
Evil demons, in between us, came between us
[Scarface]
I know you hate me, don't you
I bet you sit and wish my time never came
You probably rather see me die in the game
You probably rather see me die in a plane
Well ya'll see me up on top of my thang
I get my money shit changed
And niggas start looking at me different than this
I'm downplay the real of this shit to get with a bitch
But I'ma tell a motherfucker like this
You only good as what you come up against
Nigga you get what you get
Sure the grass is greener on the other side of the fence
But any attempts and you gonna need the guy in the trench
I'ma starter while you riding the bench
You saying you a player, well I'm the one designing your prints
Something to go by, to let these niggas know I
Don't believe in letting shit slide, nigga gonna die
Best friends since high school seniors
But the homeboys are meaner, they let the bullshit come between us
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figure it out.
when im breaking down on the floor
you pick me up and make me smile
you make me feel so alive
and make my heart race, almost to quick.
youve held my soul and mind when i was crying
and helped me to relax, when i was stressing.
you took away my psychosis, when i was straying from sanity
and loved me, when i felt hated.
but why are you killing me..?
why are you making me need you alll the time..
and why cant i feed myself?
why wont you let me..?
now your hurting me..
your squeazing to tight..
my blood is thin.. you make me bleed to much..
you make me need to much of you at one time..
why are you killing me..?
is it because i abused you for so long?
because i hurt myself when i told you to leave,
and in turn, hurt you?
why, why are you the way you are?
why are you so clingy?
and why did you take away my controle.
GIVE IT BACK.
you pick me up and make me smile
you make me feel so alive
and make my heart race, almost to quick.
youve held my soul and mind when i was crying
and helped me to relax, when i was stressing.
you took away my psychosis, when i was straying from sanity
and loved me, when i felt hated.
but why are you killing me..?
why are you making me need you alll the time..
and why cant i feed myself?
why wont you let me..?
now your hurting me..
your squeazing to tight..
my blood is thin.. you make me bleed to much..
you make me need to much of you at one time..
why are you killing me..?
is it because i abused you for so long?
because i hurt myself when i told you to leave,
and in turn, hurt you?
why, why are you the way you are?
why are you so clingy?
and why did you take away my controle.
GIVE IT BACK.
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Deep meaning
--Soul Meets Body--
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun rap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what it's like to be new
Cause in my head there is a Greyhound station
Where I've sent my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where
They're far more suited then here
I can not guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt
With our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one spec will remain
I do believe it's true
There are wrongs left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
And I do believe it's true
There are wrongs left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun rap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what it's like to be new
Cause in my head there is a Greyhound station
Where I've sent my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where
They're far more suited then here
I can not guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt
With our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one spec will remain
I do believe it's true
There are wrongs left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
And I do believe it's true
There are wrongs left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
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My truest whackest thoughts.
a pain. nothing ever feels like its gonna come between, but oh my god. a longing for a piece of some elation or some fuckn satisfaction.
its just some annoyance..Pissed off at everyone...pissed off espessially at you. Never gonna be the same.... fuck i dont even wanna see you. I need simple fuckn silence, simple privacy. everything i need is just way to much to ask tho. any goodbye is not final. there is some sort of goddamn attachemnt. i dont even need help..it feels like no ones got any goddamn faith in me... no one believes just ME CAN DO IT!!! I dont need you to keep telling me what and who is good for me. what and who is gonna fuck me over in any way. i cant deal with your goddamn lectures every day. you think its all helpful advice... but imagine how i feel. imagine how im taking it all. Alone...is what i beg for. pure me. i dont even need you. if i wanna get high so be it. i dont need no one up my goddamn ass telling me im fucking up my life. who gives a fuck. i also dont need you tp pretend that you give as much of a fuck as you say you do, cuz its absolute bullshit. you all dont care... you just cant say it straight up. are you scared ima hurt you?
goddammit i hate you all.. i hate you all so much it fuckn hurts me to think about it to even talk about it. so be it that i hate it. i hate it...i hate it./...i hate it all.... you...him..her....fuck especcially you. god i hate this all i wanna kill you all....i just want them to back the fuck off... just back away from me with your fuckn voices..i dont need to feel cornered all the time..im clausterphobic..and ill freak out royally.
whats wrong with the world. what is wrong that noone can make anything work nowayds. no one has the power to tell someone else to stop? to fuckn shoot someone else in the head when they fear that destruction is way to close to a goddamn reality. when everything is a mirrored imagine of war. everything is mass destruction. fuckn fights everywhere and hate and pain and tears and sadness and greed and hunger. its all there and fuck oh so pure.
imagine life withou it all. why cant justice be served? why cant we all see we are all humans. why am i so racist if i fuckn see it this way
its just some annoyance..Pissed off at everyone...pissed off espessially at you. Never gonna be the same.... fuck i dont even wanna see you. I need simple fuckn silence, simple privacy. everything i need is just way to much to ask tho. any goodbye is not final. there is some sort of goddamn attachemnt. i dont even need help..it feels like no ones got any goddamn faith in me... no one believes just ME CAN DO IT!!! I dont need you to keep telling me what and who is good for me. what and who is gonna fuck me over in any way. i cant deal with your goddamn lectures every day. you think its all helpful advice... but imagine how i feel. imagine how im taking it all. Alone...is what i beg for. pure me. i dont even need you. if i wanna get high so be it. i dont need no one up my goddamn ass telling me im fucking up my life. who gives a fuck. i also dont need you tp pretend that you give as much of a fuck as you say you do, cuz its absolute bullshit. you all dont care... you just cant say it straight up. are you scared ima hurt you?
goddammit i hate you all.. i hate you all so much it fuckn hurts me to think about it to even talk about it. so be it that i hate it. i hate it...i hate it./...i hate it all.... you...him..her....fuck especcially you. god i hate this all i wanna kill you all....i just want them to back the fuck off... just back away from me with your fuckn voices..i dont need to feel cornered all the time..im clausterphobic..and ill freak out royally.
whats wrong with the world. what is wrong that noone can make anything work nowayds. no one has the power to tell someone else to stop? to fuckn shoot someone else in the head when they fear that destruction is way to close to a goddamn reality. when everything is a mirrored imagine of war. everything is mass destruction. fuckn fights everywhere and hate and pain and tears and sadness and greed and hunger. its all there and fuck oh so pure.
imagine life withou it all. why cant justice be served? why cant we all see we are all humans. why am i so racist if i fuckn see it this way
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catches of the day:
2 hearts
a bit of confusion
a cold..or allergies..? or both...
a camera from a box of cereal :D
******************************************************
im in school. i start tuesday night.. from 6pm-10pm every tuesday and thursday. B is going to meet me after school on tuesday.
so obviously its only night school but its a start. its either get one credit right now while i can... or nothing.. at all... until i get into this other school. so if i get accepted into the other school for semester 2.. and i also continue with night school.. and if i work my ass off... theeeen THAT means... minimum 4 credits per sememster.. and i could get 5 or 6 depends how hard i work at the other programs.. plus the given 1 credit at night school... cuz i know i can graduate. im so fuckn excited..i cant wait to start...
and i might be able to get back into rehab.. sooooooOOOooo i could get my life on track again. it feels fuckn great..knowing i CAN pull myself back together on MY OWN.
B = boy from forever ago.
B = Jess falling.
Jess falling = uuuh shiit..
******************************************************
im in school. i start tuesday night.. from 6pm-10pm every tuesday and thursday. B is going to meet me after school on tuesday.
so obviously its only night school but its a start. its either get one credit right now while i can... or nothing.. at all... until i get into this other school. so if i get accepted into the other school for semester 2.. and i also continue with night school.. and if i work my ass off... theeeen THAT means... minimum 4 credits per sememster.. and i could get 5 or 6 depends how hard i work at the other programs.. plus the given 1 credit at night school... cuz i know i can graduate. im so fuckn excited..i cant wait to start...
and i might be able to get back into rehab.. sooooooOOOooo i could get my life on track again. it feels fuckn great..knowing i CAN pull myself back together on MY OWN.
B = boy from forever ago.
B = Jess falling.
Jess falling = uuuh shiit..
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My reality
i feel like im losing controle,
spiralling downwards, sucked into this black hole.
where thatll be the end,
and i wont have to pretend,
that im fine,
and havent crossed that line,
of desparation,
and longings for salvation.
one day, i dare say i do,
believe that i Will make it through
all the bullshit and misery,
because i figure that in theory,
and because of me,
who i used to be,
ill end up so far gone
to the point, where itd be useless to carry on,
AND FINALLY ID GET DOWN ON MY FUCKING KNEES
PRAY AND HOPE THAT EVERYONE SEES
HOW DESPERATE I AM, TO GET THIS ALL CHANGED
TO FEEL OK, NOT COMPLETLY DERANGED
TO END IT ALL FOR GOOD
PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME, AND I HOPE YOU COULD
BE THE ONE TO SAVE ME FROM MY SELF DESTRUCTION
AND TURN ME AWAY FROM THIS FUCKEN CORRUPTION
SHOW ME KNEW LIFE
WITHOUT GRIEF AND STRIFE
RAPING MY THOUGHTS EVERYDAY
THIS IS FOR REAL..GO AWAY
I CANT HANDLE THIS DISEASE
LOCK ME UP ALREADY..JUST SAVE ME, IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE.
BUT STILL... FUCKIT ALL.
THIS, IS MY FINAL CURTAIN CALL.
spiralling downwards, sucked into this black hole.
where thatll be the end,
and i wont have to pretend,
that im fine,
and havent crossed that line,
of desparation,
and longings for salvation.
one day, i dare say i do,
believe that i Will make it through
all the bullshit and misery,
because i figure that in theory,
and because of me,
who i used to be,
ill end up so far gone
to the point, where itd be useless to carry on,
AND FINALLY ID GET DOWN ON MY FUCKING KNEES
PRAY AND HOPE THAT EVERYONE SEES
HOW DESPERATE I AM, TO GET THIS ALL CHANGED
TO FEEL OK, NOT COMPLETLY DERANGED
TO END IT ALL FOR GOOD
PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME, AND I HOPE YOU COULD
BE THE ONE TO SAVE ME FROM MY SELF DESTRUCTION
AND TURN ME AWAY FROM THIS FUCKEN CORRUPTION
SHOW ME KNEW LIFE
WITHOUT GRIEF AND STRIFE
RAPING MY THOUGHTS EVERYDAY
THIS IS FOR REAL..GO AWAY
I CANT HANDLE THIS DISEASE
LOCK ME UP ALREADY..JUST SAVE ME, IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE.
BUT STILL... FUCKIT ALL.
THIS, IS MY FINAL CURTAIN CALL.
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SO fucked.
"oh well... k well i reeeallly needed go eat di i feel like so much emotion, buuuut be trugel7 strong"
thats what i apparently typed to my friend when i was trying to say i had to get off msn...
major sleep dep... and waay too much "brain freeze" shit.... im soo fucked... so sooo fucked... its taking me like 30 mins tto fucking write this... too make sure it makes sense....but anywaysi dont see the point anymore.
x
thats what i apparently typed to my friend when i was trying to say i had to get off msn...
major sleep dep... and waay too much "brain freeze" shit.... im soo fucked... so sooo fucked... its taking me like 30 mins tto fucking write this... too make sure it makes sense....but anywaysi dont see the point anymore.
x
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booger head.
life is really whack sometimes... but im going along for the ride..and i cant say that i hate it... i travelled so much this summer..met so many people and learnt so much new shit. i gave myself a new "addiction" which i cant escape, and im going on month 3 i think.. of it. and i couldnt care less.. me and M broke up... and i feel so independant and free... but yet part of me forgets about the entire relationship. alot of my life i seemed to have forgotten.. or it just seems so far away..and i have no feelings left towards many things. its nice that way... it makes hard things..insanely easy to live with and forget or let go of. theres a chance for me and M to get back together when im ready. but im not as naive as one might think.. i know shit changes..and i know him... and eventually.... there will come a time he finds another girl. and ill be happy for him, because i think i have the stregth for that. i am NOT looking for another relationship.. i mean.. this one ended because i felt like i was losing my independace. and that hurt. so i dealt with it the only way i knew how...
im not getting the same highs i used to... i think i started out doing to much, and now.. it just keeps me from going insane when i do it, it keeps me from eating and it keeps me awake..and it keeps me "able" and happy. im high everyday..literally... except today! and im ok with that, because it doesnt feel outta controle yet...
im frustrated with everyone i think...
i need to do something to make myself insanely happy.. i need to do something for myself. i guess i did by regaining custody of my independance.. so that works out.. but i need something that wont hurt anyone else...........
im not getting the same highs i used to... i think i started out doing to much, and now.. it just keeps me from going insane when i do it, it keeps me from eating and it keeps me awake..and it keeps me "able" and happy. im high everyday..literally... except today! and im ok with that, because it doesnt feel outta controle yet...
im frustrated with everyone i think...
i need to do something to make myself insanely happy.. i need to do something for myself. i guess i did by regaining custody of my independance.. so that works out.. but i need something that wont hurt anyone else...........
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dont read.
Time. Again.
The trivial things.. that take up yet more precious moments than before.
cant you take anything from everything..?
man there is a lesson to be learnt from everything ... theres something for everyone in everything. Realizing it... how hard is that..?
The trivial things.. that take up yet more precious moments than before.
cant you take anything from everything..?
man there is a lesson to be learnt from everything ... theres something for everyone in everything. Realizing it... how hard is that..?
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Life poem
why do i feel so insane..?
like nothing here is right..
i think im about to lose
my mind to unconciousness
today in this field
lays the option of death
or continuing on this path of self destruction
i feel cornered, but content
i feel lost, but at ease
i feel scared, but ok
im ok
Burning inside...im strung out of my tree.
im too small, too fragile
to be living like this
i cant give myself what it needs
i cant help you
and you cant help me
killing myself, i know is not the answer
because id not only be ending my life,
but parts of other peoples lives
im not to the point where im so LOW inside
that i forget about you...
when i put this blade to my wrist.. to my throat.. to my chest
i think about you.
i think about you.
i think about you.
i dont think about me.
I can remember a time where i looked at myself in the mirror,
and saw something real,
saw something that could be someone.
Have i stepped in acid..?
why am i deteriorating like this..?
why is my mind slowly shutting down and i stop caring about me..?
Is this my plea..?
Is this me asking you for help because subconciouslly i know i need it..?
im crying out..
i cant even hear my own voice..
i cant scream loud enough
i cant hit you hard enough
i cant cut myself deep enough...
for you to finally notice me.
like nothing here is right..
i think im about to lose
my mind to unconciousness
today in this field
lays the option of death
or continuing on this path of self destruction
i feel cornered, but content
i feel lost, but at ease
i feel scared, but ok
im ok
Burning inside...im strung out of my tree.
im too small, too fragile
to be living like this
i cant give myself what it needs
i cant help you
and you cant help me
killing myself, i know is not the answer
because id not only be ending my life,
but parts of other peoples lives
im not to the point where im so LOW inside
that i forget about you...
when i put this blade to my wrist.. to my throat.. to my chest
i think about you.
i think about you.
i think about you.
i dont think about me.
I can remember a time where i looked at myself in the mirror,
and saw something real,
saw something that could be someone.
Have i stepped in acid..?
why am i deteriorating like this..?
why is my mind slowly shutting down and i stop caring about me..?
Is this my plea..?
Is this me asking you for help because subconciouslly i know i need it..?
im crying out..
i cant even hear my own voice..
i cant scream loud enough
i cant hit you hard enough
i cant cut myself deep enough...
for you to finally notice me.
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Cant go back....
[plumb-damaged]
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back
Dreaming comes so easily
'Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairy tale
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared and I'm alone
I'm ashamed
And I need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
'Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
There's mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back
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your presence still lingers here..
i can still hear you breathing..
even tho your breath is gone..
i can still feel your trembling..
even as you lay dead..
your around me..your near me..
tho your 6 feet under..
Your presence is still vivid in my soul..
BLAAAH BLAH BLAH!!!!! t b c
even tho your breath is gone..
i can still feel your trembling..
even as you lay dead..
your around me..your near me..
tho your 6 feet under..
Your presence is still vivid in my soul..
BLAAAH BLAH BLAH!!!!! t b c
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My opinions.. on some random shit....
im sick and tired of people and theyre bitching.
im so bitching right now buut eehehehehehehe. :X
anyways.. people are insanely emo.. and think theyre thots are so... different from the next persons.
doesnt anybody get bored of these suicide poems..? these drug poems..? and these fucken depression poems...?? doesnt anybody feel anything more then just fucken dark shades..?
personally, i think most people like feeling that way because its an antention grabber. wether or not you realize it.. i think you SEEK the need to feel something. its like.. some people perpously stay in their depressed state, to have people falling over and over for them... giving them pity and showing them some sorta "attention"
Shit, i used to be that way. i loved being depressed cuz it was so goddamn comfortable, and i always had people calling me and making sure i was ok, and still alive. but now.... its way different. im still fucking myself up on drugs.. but goddamn im happy. and its not superficial chemical happyness... im TRULY FUCKING HAPPY.
im not saying that every depressed person is like that... but i dont doubt alot of cases are.
dont gimme a fake list of fucken "sicknesses" and make me try and feel more for you then i already do. STOP it. NOW before you get to carried away and have to fake this bullshit the rest of your life....
im so bitching right now buut eehehehehehehe. :X
anyways.. people are insanely emo.. and think theyre thots are so... different from the next persons.
doesnt anybody get bored of these suicide poems..? these drug poems..? and these fucken depression poems...?? doesnt anybody feel anything more then just fucken dark shades..?
personally, i think most people like feeling that way because its an antention grabber. wether or not you realize it.. i think you SEEK the need to feel something. its like.. some people perpously stay in their depressed state, to have people falling over and over for them... giving them pity and showing them some sorta "attention"
Shit, i used to be that way. i loved being depressed cuz it was so goddamn comfortable, and i always had people calling me and making sure i was ok, and still alive. but now.... its way different. im still fucking myself up on drugs.. but goddamn im happy. and its not superficial chemical happyness... im TRULY FUCKING HAPPY.
im not saying that every depressed person is like that... but i dont doubt alot of cases are.
dont gimme a fake list of fucken "sicknesses" and make me try and feel more for you then i already do. STOP it. NOW before you get to carried away and have to fake this bullshit the rest of your life....
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Tattooed
I got 2 tattooes today... the word 'safe' in letters on the back of my right leg, kinda near my ankle, going vertically, and the word Juicy on the inside of my lip. theyre both so cute :P
my friend got the word safe done also. we got matching ones...
they have significance so either way, in the end... they still mean somethn.
i had an awesome day today... it went real good. i was happy about that.
my friend got the word safe done also. we got matching ones...
they have significance so either way, in the end... they still mean somethn.
i had an awesome day today... it went real good. i was happy about that.
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whats this about
i have a feeling that im about to lose someone/ something very close to me.
i feel as tho my body and my soul and my mind are trying to prepare me for the loss... so it does not come as such a great shock when it happends...
i do not know when.. sometimes i can just 'see' these things.
sounds whack i know.... theres way more to it then that.
but i feel like im gonna lose someone/something i care a lot about...
i hope they do not suffer, when the time comes. im usually right about these 'feelings' tho. thats what scares me... whats to come..?
i feel as tho my body and my soul and my mind are trying to prepare me for the loss... so it does not come as such a great shock when it happends...
i do not know when.. sometimes i can just 'see' these things.
sounds whack i know.... theres way more to it then that.
but i feel like im gonna lose someone/something i care a lot about...
i hope they do not suffer, when the time comes. im usually right about these 'feelings' tho. thats what scares me... whats to come..?
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Hateondisplay's Melo Quick Entry
our deepest fear, is Not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear Is that we are powerful beyond measure.
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Run.
Down the line.. wheep and stare at me.
Hold on to the many memories
As we close our eyes
Remember the face,
of a love that once was..
of a love that was so strong.
And now im looking back at you,
and all i wanna do is run.
Take a quick look,
stare for a while,
Contemplating wether or not i should go.
Then i think.. about you.. about me..
And all i wanna do is run.
Hold on to the many memories
As we close our eyes
Remember the face,
of a love that once was..
of a love that was so strong.
And now im looking back at you,
and all i wanna do is run.
Take a quick look,
stare for a while,
Contemplating wether or not i should go.
Then i think.. about you.. about me..
And all i wanna do is run.
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random
i keep writing love poems/songs for some reason.... dark ones too..
and some about forbidden love.. and duying love.. and blah blah blah.
so i watched cold mountain. cried. for like 30 mins. i am NEEVVEERR watching that agin... i was quite pissed off at the ending to be honest. QUITE pissed. :|
and some about forbidden love.. and duying love.. and blah blah blah.
so i watched cold mountain. cried. for like 30 mins. i am NEEVVEERR watching that agin... i was quite pissed off at the ending to be honest. QUITE pissed. :|
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happyness.... a bit.. at least
im buying a bike tonight... 10$
couldnt pass it up lol
bmx.. needs fixing up.. but umm.. 10$ who cares??? :P
couldnt pass it up lol
bmx.. needs fixing up.. but umm.. 10$ who cares??? :P
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more :( :(
i went and seen the hubby today...
hes doing ok... he wrote me a 3 paged letter so far..and gave me what he wrote. i was walkng back to the bus stop reading it... and i couldnt stop fuckn crying.. i had to stop and sit on the curb i was crying so much.. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKK
god i miss him soooo much :(
and i love this guy beyond words can say... and i dont even know..
im fucken sad as hell :( i cant wait till he gets out... his letter... was the saddest thing, and happiest thing ive ever read. shit... this guy... i dont even know what to say...
hes doing ok... he wrote me a 3 paged letter so far..and gave me what he wrote. i was walkng back to the bus stop reading it... and i couldnt stop fuckn crying.. i had to stop and sit on the curb i was crying so much.. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKK
god i miss him soooo much :(
and i love this guy beyond words can say... and i dont even know..
im fucken sad as hell :( i cant wait till he gets out... his letter... was the saddest thing, and happiest thing ive ever read. shit... this guy... i dont even know what to say...
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:(
soo.. the hubby's in jail... i..am not impressed.. as im sure he is not lol
anyways. he gets out on june 18th..and i cant wait. im ognna visit him every day tho, until he gets out. were all tryna get some money together to bail him out..i think were at like 350 or some shit. i unno..
i miss him like crazy... its like.. you know when you miss someone, and you can sometimes just call them up..and talk or go hangout.. yeah well i cant. i hate being separated from him.. it hurts :( buuut.... on the up side... i can bike alot now, because his bmx is at his buddy's, and i hangout with his buddy sometimes, an so.. i get it :D briiiing on legacy :P aaaee!! anyways..i miss him..and cant wait to see him tomorrow. i did all his laundry for him too.. cuz i figured hed want some clean clothes for when he gets out....
i got drunk in the afternoon today..again... i find it rather amusing to be stumbling around like that so early :P
i had such a long ass day...biked and traveled alot today. im getting so tanned, farmers tan :P hehe
im hungry...so im gonna go eat.
i love porn. :)
anyways. he gets out on june 18th..and i cant wait. im ognna visit him every day tho, until he gets out. were all tryna get some money together to bail him out..i think were at like 350 or some shit. i unno..
i miss him like crazy... its like.. you know when you miss someone, and you can sometimes just call them up..and talk or go hangout.. yeah well i cant. i hate being separated from him.. it hurts :( buuut.... on the up side... i can bike alot now, because his bmx is at his buddy's, and i hangout with his buddy sometimes, an so.. i get it :D briiiing on legacy :P aaaee!! anyways..i miss him..and cant wait to see him tomorrow. i did all his laundry for him too.. cuz i figured hed want some clean clothes for when he gets out....
i got drunk in the afternoon today..again... i find it rather amusing to be stumbling around like that so early :P
i had such a long ass day...biked and traveled alot today. im getting so tanned, farmers tan :P hehe
im hungry...so im gonna go eat.
i love porn. :)
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Breathing...Lifehouse.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
****************************************
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READ me.
...suicide...
people feel so unloved or so helpless... they end everything.
why do we let it get to that point..? NEVER give up hope for someone. never..
the worst thing in the world is the grief a family goes through.when someone gets that low.
the anger.. frustration..guilt..pain..sadness.. emotions just build up, and overload. why did this happen to them..? why didnt that person get help before its too late??
the depression... addictions... sicknesses... there is another way out.. besides that. what about your family...? doesnt it wrack you with guilt when you think about what your familly is gonna feel...? even tho your dead, and wont even know... just knowing before you die.. the PAIN they will all feel...?????
you didnt even think about that did you... you didnt even think about your life and the people that were there for you, regardless. Why couldnt you just ask for help.. PEOPLE DID CARE!!! they still care..
RIP D.M.M.
people feel so unloved or so helpless... they end everything.
why do we let it get to that point..? NEVER give up hope for someone. never..
the worst thing in the world is the grief a family goes through.when someone gets that low.
the anger.. frustration..guilt..pain..sadness.. emotions just build up, and overload. why did this happen to them..? why didnt that person get help before its too late??
the depression... addictions... sicknesses... there is another way out.. besides that. what about your family...? doesnt it wrack you with guilt when you think about what your familly is gonna feel...? even tho your dead, and wont even know... just knowing before you die.. the PAIN they will all feel...?????
you didnt even think about that did you... you didnt even think about your life and the people that were there for you, regardless. Why couldnt you just ask for help.. PEOPLE DID CARE!!! they still care..
RIP D.M.M.
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(no title)
i love him more then anyone right now.
i spilled my juice everywhere..now everythings all stickee :P
i spilled my juice everywhere..now everythings all stickee :P
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hateondisplay
About Me
Real Name:
Jess
Birthday:
Mar 16 1988
Disposition:
broken
Location:
orleans, ontario
Sex?:
girlie
Jess
Birthday:
Mar 16 1988
Disposition:
broken
Location:
orleans, ontario
Sex?:
girlie
Folders
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| Online | Oct.02.08 |
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