... wtf? Seems like everyday I get some sort of new nickname that makes no sense to me. Sometimes It makes me feel really good while other times it makes me tilt my head to the side and go, what the hell did he just call me?

So i started the morning miserable. I barely slept at all last night because my foot was hurting so bad and my legs ached. When I did get to sleep it seemed like I was just woke up again and rolled around until I could catch just little bits of sleep every now and then. So I called out of work. i woke up freakishly headachy and dizzy from rolling around in bed. I just was not feeling well. So i get up and I drink a large glass of water and head back to bed. And then what happens? I get a call from a co worker at work wondering why Im not in... *sigh* When I had finally got to sleep I got woke up.. Then right when I hung up the phone Charlie called me. By now my head is throbbing from the phone ringing too many times so I just get my ass up and head to the shower for a quick cool off. Whatever right? Afterwards I put on a movie and try to relax.

Seemed to do alright once I got some more fluids in me my headache went away. Charlie comes home and we start playing computer games together and I just cant stop getting irritated. It really sucks. I hate how irritated I get over these stupid things sometimes. But sometimes people really just piss me off. I hate them. I hate people. BAH! Stupid children drive me fucking bonkers. I need a new hobby.

I had a novel written in here.. I switched tabs to change my music playing in the background and for some reason all the windows closed.. erasing everything I had typed...Just makes everything feel worse than I had before. Suppose I will have to try and remember everything I had before.

So here it is, another Saturday evening, another long awaited Saturday evening. Sometimes I wonder why I wait all week just for Friday, why I count down everyday to the time when I know I wont have to wake up super early just to be somewhere in the A.M.. I make the weekends out to be something so amazing, so special, a time to let loose, stay up, have a few drinks, laugh and talk to friends until the sun comes up. Maybe those were just days when I was a kid.. Maybe I need to give up that kind of thing. That way of thinking. I'm not some 16 year old sitting at her computer screen laughing and joking with the other 16 year old's, about god knows what. I know what my problem is. I am alone and have no other friends other than my boyfriend... I have no other people to really talk too or even do random computer games with, go out and have fun with... Go to the bar or the movies with... I don't even have a "girls" night anymore... They all live two hours away and have lives beyond mine... Married, Children...families.. houses in other states now. I don't know why I feel like I "need" someone to do something with... Its more that I feel super alone.. I feel like I want to have someone to do something with. I want to have someone to talk too and laugh with. I feel like I need that little bit of extra companionship to have a really good time...

It's funny how fast things happen, but when you look back at it it was what? Seven years ago? Thinking about it that way makes it seem like it had been a very long time. Thinking about it, maybe I should just find some random weekend job. Something to just pass my time with, something to make me not think about it as much and make my life go by just that much quicker so I am not left thinking about it as much as I am right now. Hell, I work M-F already what would a little Sat/Sun be? I don't need to work a weekend job, not anymore... But if it would keep me from watching everyone going offline from a friends list based out of a state that's three hours ahead of me. I wish it were easier to meet people, non co-workerish to go out or do something with... or even meet people online somewhere to chatter and play even a card game with. Maybe I just need to abandon all of that. Maybe I am still stuck in that time where you could do that... Maybe I just need to give it all up, go to bed at 9pm just to be up at 6am the next morning, watch the news and make up random things to do until I can push replay for the next day.

I wish it was easier.. I feel so confined to what I have... carless in a town I don't really know in a not so safe area and so far away from any of my old friends... and my old familiar places...Maybe it was always ment to be this way and maybe it always will be...seems like most of my faith has left me these days.

Kristina Debareg


Cried Me A River Lyrics

I still remember the day that we met I hold on to every word you said
Asked me to surrender and thats what i did and you broke my heart again and again

So now you are sorry like your all in love but where was your sorry when you broke it all up

Chours:I told myself never again there aint no way im lettin you in because i keep on remembering when you played me I cried me a river,I cried me a sea,I cried me an ocean,I cried me a stream,im fresh outta teardrops you've got me on E im outta emotion got nothin in me,and i would have done anything in the world for you I would have done anything that you told me too,I cried me a river,I cried me a sea and i aint got nothin left in me...

You cant have my number dont wanna be friends i dont care to see you now and then its not that im bitter its just that im done my heart finally said enough is enough

So now you are sorry like your all in love but you wasnt sorry when you messed it all up

Chours:I told myself never again there aint no way im lettin you in because i keep rememberin when you played me
I cried me a river,I cried me a sea,I cried me an ocean,I cried me a stream,im fresh outta teardrops you've got me on E im outta emotion got nothin in me,and i would have done anything in the world for you I would have done anything that you told me too,I cried me a river,I cried me a sea and i aint got nothin left in me...

Just in case your not clear and you think theres a chance theres no way your gettin near this or have me again until hell has frozen over you need to understand you'll never get with me again

Chours:I cried me a river,I cried me a sea,I cried me an ocean,I cried me a stream,im fresh outta teardrops you've got me on E im outta emotion got nothin in me,and i would have done anything in the world for you I would have done anything that you told me too,I cried me a river,I cried me a sea and i aint got nothin left in me..

Chours:I cried me a river,I cried me a sea,I cried me an ocean,I cried me a stream,im fresh outta teardrops you've got me on E im outta emotion got nothin in me and i would have done anything in the world for you I would have done anything that you told me too,I cried me a river,I cried me a sea and i aint got nothin left in me...

I cried me a river,I cried me a sea,I cried me an ocean,I cried me a stream,im fresh outta teardrops you've got me on E im outta emotion got nothin in me...music faded

Rob Thomas
her diamonds

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then i do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And i know i could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
But don't let her see

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She'll be alright
She'll be alright
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Lyrics You're The Inspiration - Chicago


You know our love was meant to be
the kind of love that lasts forever
And I want you here with me
from tonight until the end of time.
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind, in my heart
in my soul..baby

CHORUS
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.

And I know, yes I know that it's plain to see
So in love when we're together.
Now I know that I need you here with me
From tonight until the end of time.
You should know, everywhere I go
Always on my mind you're in my heart in my soul.

CHORUS
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
BREAK

Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.

CHORUS (STEPPED UP)
You're the meaning in my life
you're the inspiration.
You bring feeling to my life
you're the inspiration.
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin':
No one needs you more than I need you.
When you love somebody 'til the end of time

When you love somebody, always on my mind

No one needs you more than I.

I am so bored right now!!!!!!!!!!!


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :D

So Im sitting here at work feeling bored and tired. Thinking of my Charlie and how far we have come in the last year... It is amazing to think that just last year we where falling deeply in love and having a hell of a good time doing it too. It also seems like everything we created together is having an anniversary too.. Like the guild we made on WoW and how it is still going strong we still have good friends and were still loving it just like we did when we first made it!

I cant believe my life would change the day I met him into what it has become now.. and even though I have so many problems going on and so much is going down hill.. There are times when I couldnt feel happier :)

So I have my charlie here for a whole two weeks! Been fun since the first day he got here. Im in love and its for real. I cant believe that he and I have been together for so long and are still holding strong as if it was still the first day we met...

Little things about him make me go so crazy too. We where walkign to my car last night and the light him in just a certain way and he smiled at me and all i could say was "wow" he was just too cute.

Then when we went to my dads wedding there were these tricky staires and he was at the bottem waiting for me while i fused with my dress trying to figure out how not to trip down them and at the last two steps he reached out for my hand and he had that "ima prince and ur my princess" look on his face it made me wanna melt... I wish they had been playing LESS hiphop and something slow to dance too.. Would have made the moment even more special, but for now I have that to dream about. Charlie is and probably will always be my knight in shining armor. He looked so cute in his outfit too hehe.

I have to figure out what he and I are going to do this weekend since we do have a three day weekend. I thought about going somewhere but I don tknow if I want to spend the gas to go anywhere or not. I dunno I suppose we will see whats going on. Going to call my brother because I know his Bday is this weekend and he mentioned that they where going to do something.

On a side note I am going to be an aunty. go me. I hope for them that its a boy, since it seems lik ethats what they want.

My dad gets back from his oh what do you call it, honey moon on nicks bday too. None of us kids are too happy about the wedding.. We are happy about my dad beign happy and not the fact that they are together just more the fact that we are unhappy that dad has seemed to be so involved wit hhis new family that the old one is kinda left behind and not there anymore.. We all agree that the only time he comes around is because he wants something, needs something, has a question or something.. Kinda sad. Thinking about it though.. Thats kinda how dad has alawys been, but now that mom has passed he needs to step up a little more and kinda realize he needs to do more then just that.

Anyway I think my co-worker here is kinda getting upset that I am typing away in my journal

So today I went to the laundry mat after work. I tried to talk to charlie about things that where bothering me and that where on my mind.. but it seems like he doesnt get it..or maybe I just cant explain them right.

I know he loves me very much and I love him more than anything in this world.. Im happy for that...

While i was doing my laundry I sat there in my car with my chair laid all the way back and I couldnt help but cry. I felt so alone and I realized that my days are getting so repetitive... I do the same thing everyday..

Get up around 6:30am get ready for work. Hopefully during sometime in the morning Charlie will call me to say goodmorning sunshine...
Get out the door around 7:20 arrive at work 15 minutes late...
work all day.. and hope to hear from charlie when I can...
Get out of work at 4:30 take the train and drive home.. I get home fuss with this fucking retarted computer for an hour to get it to boot up and have about three hours of time to watch tv play wow or just space off...


the weekend then seems to fly by so quickly that i never even realized it happened...

I guess it makes my life feel very lonely.

Sometime told me a few weeks ago i needed to "go out and farm some friends" I know they ment it souly as a joke.. but i really took it to heart and it hurt really bad... I dont have many friends I see or hang out with and those I do are from work..and its not like friends I go hang out with and get to tell all my shit too...sometimes it just feels like no ones around to listen...

While i was there some woman talked to me. She was quite friendly and she had a very nice dog. We talked about the homeless woman who had scared the crap out of me, by knocking on my window while i was sitting in my car. The woman tried to do the same to her but her dog scared the woman away. I told the woman a tthe laundry mat that it was funy her dog never barked at me. She said the woman probably had somthing on her..

It was nice to talk to someone outside of work... Too bad more things like that dont happen.. Who knows maybe I will see her again someday, if she continues to use the same laundry mat.

Life seems to get even more lonley, since my mother died.. I have no one who calls just to see how im doing or to say "i love you" and hang up the phone...My dad doesnt call anymore..He said something on the phone about it being cause we are all grown up or whatever.. I guess he just doesnt know how lonely life can be. Maybe he just thinks everythings ok in that department. It really hurts to be alone sometimes...hurts alot to not have a family eaither...

Ive been on the phone with charlie for 45 mins and we havent said hardly anything... thinking about it that is how alot of our conversations go.. quietness.. Never have much to talk about other than the same old things over and over... I remember when we first met and started talking on the phone.. You couldnt get us to shut up.. We told all of our memories all of our thoughts and feelings...Everything... Or he would sit with me on the game jf we couldnt be on the phone and tell me things.
*sigh* maybe weve just ran out of things to talk about...

I am crying so hard right now... I hate hurting so bad.. I guess I have known this was coming. Been feeling really down lately...It just keeps getting worse.. I just need to suck it up like always and get past it.. It will happen...

For now it will just be another day that seems to slip by like all the others.. Even the television shows are repeating...Before I know it I will be celebrating my 25th birthday, watching the same tv show at the same job and saying, Isnt this what I did when I was 23? and wondering where the hell the time went...

So i need a loan.. i need about 200 bucks.. I called my dad and had asked him for one but he never called back.. that was almost 2 weeks ago.. I emailed my aunt and my aunt got ahold of him somehow.. (mind you I have no numbers to get ahold of anyone or email addresses.) He left me a message saying that his phone is broke and to call him at a number.

My thing now is should I call him and ask or should I not...

If he hasnt got a new phone in the time its been that its been out... then its possible he cant even afford to buy a new one and give me a loan..

Or he doesnt want anyone to contact him and thats why he hasnt gotten a new one..

I dont know.. I know I can probably get by without one but it means more of the no eating starving myself and wishing i had more money while trying to hold back tears and wondering what the hell is going to happen next time around. *sighs* Sometimes I hate my life...

I am just glad that I have Charlie...

I really really wanted to stay home today but Charlie made me go.. Okay he didnt make me he did what I asked him to do.. Make me make myself go hehe.

I have a bad headache and my stupid eye keeps twitching really bad, its starting to bother the crap out of me I dont know why its happening. I hope its not anything serious but just stress related. it started while I was out in New York with my baby.

I miss him so much I just want to see him again and be with him, snuggle into his chest and kiss on him. It really sucks being away from him. I hate it everyday. I am going to try my best to save and work up so that I might some day be able to move in with him and have a happy life with him together.

For now I need to go.

I am home again... The last few days where the most amazing time in my whole life... I am so glad that I found someone like Charlie... I could have never imagined someone like him would have ever be with someone like me.. I am so thankful to have him in my life.. He is so perfect so sweet...just right for me... gah there is so much

damnit ok there is work drama going on...
more later

Oh this is us :D

omg two days away... I cant believe it...its so dang close.. *goes crazy* I cant believe tomorrow i will say i am leaving today! XD I will arrive at 8am friday morning XD i am going to be so tired silly night flights anyways! ahhh nervous as all heck.

I have so much to do tonight. gotta go do laundry gotta relax gotta pack omg i have to pack.. holy crap!

I cant believe its only four days away! I am getting more and more nervous as everyday goes by and gets closer.. Ok.. I am not going to be nervous *tells herself* not nervous not nervous... Screw being nervous!!! (heh who am I kidding I am going to be nervous)

So yeah my laptop died again, came up with all kinds of "important" files missing all sorts of .dlls went corrupt. random files keep going. I k now its my hard drive. i have gotten enough "unknown hard failure' errors and my memory test even said in its result thing that my hard drive was failing. Wooopie. So I had to reformat to put all of those files back on... again... I am lucky this time it took a while for the computer to even recognize my disk cd rom drive.. the next time it probably wont... I wonder how much lap top hard drives go for... Will have to check and see.. Im a gamer so it has to be a good one -_-. too bad i lost alot of stuff but good thing i have a partition and only some of it was deleted.

4 days away oh my gosh. I dont even know if i can count it as four days since this day is almost over. 3 days HOLY CRAP! hah... *goes insane* I need to put a picture of my baby up hmm... gosh i cant remember how to do it so lets see if this works..


It worked yay!! :D I love him. Rawr!