border line crazy

I envy those people who dedicate and sacrifice their entire lives to the goodness of someone else. To their career, or to anything to be happy. Its hard.

It is very rare for me to let real and personal feelings escape my pores. I never like to let myself be cut open even-though it is always stinging on the inside. I always want to hold my heart inside and protect it. I have very few secrets in my life, but it is the only thing I have. Everyday their is a pain inside of me, some of anger and hate, and guilt. Ive made one countless mistake in my life that I have to live with forever. Time heals, but It does not replace.

I'm sure all of us have seen a movie thats made us cry. Except my life is like that every day, but no tears are shed.

So many people try to put blame on other people, stronger people put blame on ourselves. And for myself. I put myself at fault for not trusting myself. I've never been one to be responsible for another person. In group projects I always do 150 % of the work, and down size that way I know I at least have the best possible mark.

We can always hate ourselves for the things we do, making the wrong decisions, but are we fools (and fool is a very powerful word- if you read Shakespeare) for not making the right ones? Every day when i force myself out of bed, my only drive is a sacrifice for everything I've lost. Perhaps I am afraid of disappointing someone. At the end of the day, whenever that day may be I just hope it was all worth it