I DO LOVE HIM. Thats my problem. if i didnt it wouldnt hurt so much every time he walked away, every time im made to feel like im not stepping up to the plate.... that hurts so much more because i love him so much... how can he make me feel like ive done so much wrong? When im trying so hard to do everything right... for him, for us... My family. Love only makes it harder.

I always knew i wanted to have kids... always knew i would. What i didnt bank on was who i was having them with, how thigs would never be the same again... EVER. I didnt expect to feel so... lost and not myself and trapped... how can you be happy about where you are in life when you really dont even know who you are or what your future holds. And now i feel as tho ive entered into a relationship under kinda false pretences. Growing up i would imagine the house i would own one day, the family i would have around me, my Wedding... you know... being happy. Now i feel as though im stuck in limbo... I still want all this stuff but its so hard to find a job with a kid hangin off ya and you cant easily get a babysitter when youve pushed your whole family away. No way in hell can i see myself and my so callyed "other half" ever affording a house of our own because HE will only work when it suits him & he doesnt beleive in saving money. As for getting married i got proposed to 2 years ago and that was the last i heard of it, other than to overhear HIM saying he doesnt need a peice of paper and wasnt planning on a wedding. ARGH!! it just makes me feel so... let down with myself because i CHOSE him i actually had a choice and i chose HIM... And now here i am. But i wont leave him because for some reason i care about him and while i dont know if i actually love him right now i do know that he is my sons father and as long as Tyler needs his dad he will have him. Even if i do feel like i have 2 kids instead of just one.