Seklie is right. o.o; I need to think of a poll to use. I was gunna use my personality voting about what I am and what I'm not, but... o_O; No one here really knows me 'cept D-San and he already took some of those quizzes. ^^;

I think I need to see a doctor sometime soon, though. Unfortunately, I already owe the hospital lots of money for being rushed into it by eight hot fire fighters and four hot paramedics. o_o; I'm so glad they were hot. It was wonderfully distracting from the pain. Anyway. Sometime I'll get insurance and I'll be able to at least find something that will help me out. I'm so tired of waking up nauseas all the time.

Spending the rest of my life, waking up and feeling like I might throw up isn't my idea of a happy ending. Apparently, I have a big issue with acid content in my stomach which is literally giving me an effect much like morning sickness. (I have two children, I've recognized the difference) Unfortunately, I've run out of the prescription my doctor gave me while I was pregnant with my doctor to enable me to at least walk without getting motion sick. Now, I have to wait it off, which misses me work sometimes. My mom comes home, livid because she was waiting for me to pick me up and take me to work, only to find me not there and sitting in front of the komode, gagging, having not answered the phone cause I couldn't make it and pissed that I'm still not ready to go.

T_T; I'm begining to think my mom thinks I'm faking it too, simply because, when its less intense, I don't have to stay in one place, I can talk without huffing and I don't necessarily need to cry. I heard her say something to my sister about it. Kind of insulting, but I can't help it. I work on the phones all day; it would do me little to no good to be on the phone nauseas. "Its an outstanding day here at Independent Promotions, My name is Ali. Would you like me to connect you to the--- :: gagheave ::"

Yeah. Something tells me that wouldn't go over well with Jude. Speaking of Jude, I was too chicken to tell him about Steve and Art. >_> I'm not concerned with Art; since he found out I'm 22, he's stopped flirting. Steve, on the other hand, needs to keep his hands to himself. Pervert.

For some reason, my emotions have fallen into a dream-like funk. I feel like I'm missing something, as if I'm walking around deaf. It seems as if I'm regressing in my demeanor, letting people walk on me again, then suddenly, as I realize what I'm doing, I strike out or grab onto anything I possibly can.

I came here in January from Phoenix, needing a much-deserved break from Dax, the culprit of my current life. He'd become self-centered to a point that demeaned my even existance. I believed in him and he had the gaul to tell me I was replaceable, that whether I stayed or went, it would not matter. I even gave him the chance to prove it, and he did. My life seemed to crumble from that point on. I had no control over anything. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what stupidity I had succumbed to as a girl trying to do 'the right thing'. Yeah, everyone has a different opinion of that, but I have my own. The right thing pertains to not what's in another's heart, mind, soul or life.. it cannot be contained within paper or books, spill from a pen or even blubber from a pair of silky lips. Not for me, anyway. Morality is what my heart deems is right and though I may be personally torn, it never really is because I always know, deep down, what's right for that particular situation.

Right now, my heart tells me that, although what I did was best I could accomplish, it isn't right to stay here. Guilt riddles me too, because my mom wants me and her grandchildren to stay and I do too, but I can't handle the type of life they paint for themselves, in their homes, in their workplaces... betwix themselves. Confrontation doesn't bother me at all. Conflict does and there is too much here.

Dax has agreed to let me give him another chance, as I have agreed to give him one. He wants to try again, but he wants me to tell him I feel something for him still. I do not. It is the 'right thing' to do to go back and make it work because it will give my children something I never had and teach them a great, priceless lesson -- how to compromise. But, I have no feeling for him. I care for him in a shallow way, hoping to whatever God there is that whatever's beneathe the surface won't surmise to my visage. I have not loved Dax for a long time; I may not ever again.

Mostly, this is because I love another. This person has been my friend for a long time now. I don't want to give too many clues, but I do know they love me in return, the same way I love them, but here.. my heart betrays me. It isn't right to tell this person how I feel because I will refuse to act on it because, in my heart, due to the particular situation, it is dreadfully wrong -- for now, anyway. Both of our hearts will break, ache, and long... and I want this person to live their lives and attempt to move on before they waste too much time waiting for me to get my life right and be a whole person again.

I'm 22 next Friday and still, I cannot drive and I haven't attended college. As of July 2, though, I will be taking my last two tests on the GED exams. Within a month or two, I will finally be mediocre instead of a worthless addition to society. I have two children I have yet to settle stabily into my life due to my youth and unpreparedness. This is no kind of female to lean into the arms of a potentially wonderful and successful person's arms.

None of you know who Tommy is, I know, but we were once so in love it was as if our hearts were welded closed in the middle. I was so confident... nothing could hurt me so long as I could hear him whisper his heart's content to me and I could return the words. I had never been so in love and I had never thought I would ever love as I loved him, but I'll tell you now that I'm so close to falling over the same sharp edge I did when I fell for Tommy Engelmann. I don't know how I could live my life if the same thing happened again... hearing him flatly, coldly tell me he didn't love me anymore. Something had snapped in me. Perhaps if it happens again, when my heart breaks, it will bleed and I will die.

At least, part of me will. I only want My Love to be happy, even though I know that they love me and that it pains them too. But we do not speak of it and everyday is cheery, because they will never know the true magnitude of my heart's desire to be quelled romanticly by My Love's own love and kisses. We can't be together, but we can still love each other and at least... at least I can love them.

Someday I'll love immensely and be loved immensely. Someday I'll cry and wish someone would hold me and they will. Someday I'll feel afraid and someone will hold my hand. Someday, someone will be there for me.