I Felt Hope
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place.
I booked my ticket to go and see Chris next weekend!!
I don't think I have ever been this excited to go and see someone!!
I started crying on the phone last night I'm so excited!
Everything looks a little bit brighter today...
I don't think I have ever been this excited to go and see someone!!
I started crying on the phone last night I'm so excited!
Everything looks a little bit brighter today...
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I will keep calling you to see, if you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I am such an idiot. I know he'll never stop loving me, just as never will him. I don't know how to not love him. He's wormed his way so deep inside of me, that taking him away would kill me.
I just find it hard to believe sometimes that someone could actually love me. There's nothing about me worth loving. I'm not a good person, I don't have a good soul. He does. He is so pure and loving. Maybe that's why he loves me, because we're so different.
Oh I don't know. I haven't slept properly in three weeks, I think it's finally catching up with me. Exhaustion setting in. I dont think I am even making any sense. I feel like I am drunk or something.
I just find it hard to believe sometimes that someone could actually love me. There's nothing about me worth loving. I'm not a good person, I don't have a good soul. He does. He is so pure and loving. Maybe that's why he loves me, because we're so different.
Oh I don't know. I haven't slept properly in three weeks, I think it's finally catching up with me. Exhaustion setting in. I dont think I am even making any sense. I feel like I am drunk or something.
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I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say... That everything I've ever known gets swept away inside of your love...
I really do love him so much.
Sometimes, my heart just feels like it's going to explode with the amount of love I hold for him.
We had a bit of a fight the other day, about that guy (Lee) I slept with at Easter. Basically, Chris didn't know about it, and he found out. From me. I let him read the entries on here that I have written about him, I figured it was a good way to let him understand how I truly feel. The entries I write on here are completely honest, and like I said, I can't always articulate what I want to about how I feel, so reading the entries is basically looking directly into my heart and soul.
So, he asked me a few questions, nothing bad, just where and when. But it brought up the memories of something I'd rather forget. It wasn't one of my finest moments, it made me feel dirty and worthless. He was only interested in me because he wanted to be in my underwear.
We ended up with me yelling at him on the phone, but eventually, after a LOT of talking, we sorted everything out. For a few days afterwards, pretty much until today, I felt really low, I was on my own all the time, I went out for endless walks in the dark and cold. I wouldn't talk to anyone. My sister said that subconsciously, I probably felt guilty. Even though it was before Christopher and I really knew each other, and we weren't together, I felt so much for him I felt like I had cheated on him.
I think it just shook me a lot, because it's the first 'fight', if you can even call it that, we've had. It's also hard because I've not seen him for nearly three weeks now, and probably wont for 19 more days.
I never knew I could feel like this. My heart feels as though it could make me fly. It feels sometimes like if he fills it up anymore, it will explode out of my chest. I love him so unconditionally. I would do anything he asked me to and even the things he didn't. I'd give my life for him with a smile on my face. It breaks my heart to be away from him, but deep down, I know it will all be worth it when I wake up and go to sleep next to him every night.
I feel alive again. I guess I'm not as broken or as weak as I thought I was. I thought letting love in would destroy me, make me weak, but it's had the opposite effect on me. I feel stronger and more powerful than ever before, because I have Chris holding my hand every step of the way, protecting me when I get hurt; picking me up when I falter; holding me when I cry; finding me when I am lost.
He is the other half of me, and I am never going to let him go.
Sometimes, my heart just feels like it's going to explode with the amount of love I hold for him.
We had a bit of a fight the other day, about that guy (Lee) I slept with at Easter. Basically, Chris didn't know about it, and he found out. From me. I let him read the entries on here that I have written about him, I figured it was a good way to let him understand how I truly feel. The entries I write on here are completely honest, and like I said, I can't always articulate what I want to about how I feel, so reading the entries is basically looking directly into my heart and soul.
So, he asked me a few questions, nothing bad, just where and when. But it brought up the memories of something I'd rather forget. It wasn't one of my finest moments, it made me feel dirty and worthless. He was only interested in me because he wanted to be in my underwear.
We ended up with me yelling at him on the phone, but eventually, after a LOT of talking, we sorted everything out. For a few days afterwards, pretty much until today, I felt really low, I was on my own all the time, I went out for endless walks in the dark and cold. I wouldn't talk to anyone. My sister said that subconsciously, I probably felt guilty. Even though it was before Christopher and I really knew each other, and we weren't together, I felt so much for him I felt like I had cheated on him.
I think it just shook me a lot, because it's the first 'fight', if you can even call it that, we've had. It's also hard because I've not seen him for nearly three weeks now, and probably wont for 19 more days.
I never knew I could feel like this. My heart feels as though it could make me fly. It feels sometimes like if he fills it up anymore, it will explode out of my chest. I love him so unconditionally. I would do anything he asked me to and even the things he didn't. I'd give my life for him with a smile on my face. It breaks my heart to be away from him, but deep down, I know it will all be worth it when I wake up and go to sleep next to him every night.
I feel alive again. I guess I'm not as broken or as weak as I thought I was. I thought letting love in would destroy me, make me weak, but it's had the opposite effect on me. I feel stronger and more powerful than ever before, because I have Chris holding my hand every step of the way, protecting me when I get hurt; picking me up when I falter; holding me when I cry; finding me when I am lost.
He is the other half of me, and I am never going to let him go.
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To Die For.
Why in god's name am I up at 3:07 in the morning finishing an essay that doesn't have to be in for another two weeks?
God, I miss Chris so fucking much. Not seen him in almost three weeks, and it's probably going to be ANOTHER three weeks before I do get to see him. This is the longest we have been apart since we got together and it is most definitely taking it's toll on me.
I want to curl up into a little ball and blot the entire world out until he and I are together again.
Why is it that even now I have the one I want for always, I still ache? Even though he's mine, I can't actually have him.
This is complete bullshit. I must have some serious bad karma for this shit to keep happening to me.
God, I miss Chris so fucking much. Not seen him in almost three weeks, and it's probably going to be ANOTHER three weeks before I do get to see him. This is the longest we have been apart since we got together and it is most definitely taking it's toll on me.
I want to curl up into a little ball and blot the entire world out until he and I are together again.
Why is it that even now I have the one I want for always, I still ache? Even though he's mine, I can't actually have him.
This is complete bullshit. I must have some serious bad karma for this shit to keep happening to me.
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Guess what?!
HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Why does nothing ever go to plan?
Well, the weekend is not off to a great start.
Chris has not left London yet. It is eight o'clock, and he has no idea when he will be leaving. It will take him around an hour to get back. Then we still have to have dinner.
UGH. Why can't things go the way I want them for a change?!
Chris has not left London yet. It is eight o'clock, and he has no idea when he will be leaving. It will take him around an hour to get back. Then we still have to have dinner.
UGH. Why can't things go the way I want them for a change?!
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For you, always.
Today is the start of mine and Chris' romanitc five-day mini break type thing. He's coming over to mine tonight for a nice romantic candle-lit dinner and films (He doesn't know about the romantic candle-lit part yet ;) and tomorrow we're going shopping.
EEEEEEE! Can't wait!
EEEEEEE! Can't wait!
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For You I Burn.
Oh, I am so excited!!
Thursday needs to be here now!
I am seeing Chris tomorrow, he has to come over to Strood to pick up his new tent, cos it's out of stock everywhere else, so he's seeing me as well while he is here.
Thursday my parents are going up to Birmingham to see my older brother for his birthday, but I'm not going because I have things to do at the Fort. Caused a bit of tension, but I think it'll be alright. So, I am doing my ironing during the day, cos I'll have nothing else to do.
Chris is going to come over after work and I plan on cooking him lasagne and spending some quality time together. He'll stay at mine on Thursday night and we'll watch some films and stuff.
Friday, we're going shopping in Chatham, and then to Bluewater to get my ipod and phone fixed and he's taking me out for dinner. Then we have to be back at the bnb for 7. We're staying there overnight and Saturday he's taking me to London to go to the Science Museum, cos I told him once that I love it and haven't been for years. Then we have to come back for the Paranormal Night at the Fort, which should be cool. Sunday is usual work-day at the Fort, and we get to spend Sunday night together and Monday as well!
So all told, should be a freaking awesome weekend! Get to spend it all with my baby.
He told me the other day that he has officially left his wife, and that he has no intention of going back. I felt a pang of guilt, although he assures me that I am not the only reason he left.
He also said that he officially wants us to be a couple, which pleases me a lot, because I love him so much.
So hopefully, things are finally looking up on the relationship front. I wont hold my breath, because things with me always have a way of going sour.
'For the first time in over a hundred years, I felt hope.' - Jasper Hale, Eclipse.
Very true, though, it's for the first time in around four years, I feel hope.
Either way, I want this one to work.
Please, God, let this be the real thing. It could very possibly break my heart if it goes wrong...
Thursday needs to be here now!
I am seeing Chris tomorrow, he has to come over to Strood to pick up his new tent, cos it's out of stock everywhere else, so he's seeing me as well while he is here.
Thursday my parents are going up to Birmingham to see my older brother for his birthday, but I'm not going because I have things to do at the Fort. Caused a bit of tension, but I think it'll be alright. So, I am doing my ironing during the day, cos I'll have nothing else to do.
Chris is going to come over after work and I plan on cooking him lasagne and spending some quality time together. He'll stay at mine on Thursday night and we'll watch some films and stuff.
Friday, we're going shopping in Chatham, and then to Bluewater to get my ipod and phone fixed and he's taking me out for dinner. Then we have to be back at the bnb for 7. We're staying there overnight and Saturday he's taking me to London to go to the Science Museum, cos I told him once that I love it and haven't been for years. Then we have to come back for the Paranormal Night at the Fort, which should be cool. Sunday is usual work-day at the Fort, and we get to spend Sunday night together and Monday as well!
So all told, should be a freaking awesome weekend! Get to spend it all with my baby.
He told me the other day that he has officially left his wife, and that he has no intention of going back. I felt a pang of guilt, although he assures me that I am not the only reason he left.
He also said that he officially wants us to be a couple, which pleases me a lot, because I love him so much.
So hopefully, things are finally looking up on the relationship front. I wont hold my breath, because things with me always have a way of going sour.
'For the first time in over a hundred years, I felt hope.' - Jasper Hale, Eclipse.
Very true, though, it's for the first time in around four years, I feel hope.
Either way, I want this one to work.
Please, God, let this be the real thing. It could very possibly break my heart if it goes wrong...
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I've Inhaled, Now I'm Addicted.
My brain is overdrive.
I keep thinking about the things that I didn't say, things I didn't do, that I wish I had, and equally those I did say and do I now wish I hadn't.
Have established one thing very firmly however - I do not like my baby when he is drunk. Tipsy is fine because he makes me laugh, but when he gets wankered, like he was tonight, I'm no so fond of that.
He kept asking me why I didn't like it, and what was it about him being drunk that I didn't like. At first I said I didn't know, because it was hard to put my finger on it. It wasn't him. It wasn't that gentle loving man I have come to know so well. This drunk Chris was alien to me. Yes, I have seen him drunk on more than one occasion, but he was truly annihilated, and I have never seen him in that state before.
I screamed at him when he walked me home, because he kept saying things as off the cuff remarks, and I was reacting to them way too sensitively because I was already cranky that our night had been cut short. I can't even remember what he said now, and it seems to stupid.
He was standing in place waiting for me to do my usual trick of bouncing back to him to give him a kiss. Which I was just about to do, when I heard a car coming. So I called to him to move and shit, like you do, but he wouldn't. So I went over and grabbed the scruff of his shirt to pull him out of the way, and he started laughing, and I literally screamed at the top of my lungs: 'Chris, fucking move I am not fucking about.'.
After a few moments of silence, I stopped him.
"Did I not communicate what happen to me if I lost you?"
I have never felt him hold me so tightly. I was nearly crying. Actually, there's no nearly. I was crying. I know you all probably think I am crazy, but I have known him since easter, and I know that I am in love with him.
I know you'll think it's wrong but right now, in this moment, he is my whole world. The reason I get up in the morning, why I eat, breathe, laugh, cry. I had become so disillusioned with the idea of love, so... skeptical, that the only thing I could do was laugh at the very idea of me being in love. A few months ago, one of my friends at the Fort asked me why I was still single. I told him it was a choice. That I didn't want to deal with the all the shit that comes with loving someone.
I just hadn't found the person I wanted to go through all that shit with.
I can't deny this has probably overtaken Lisa and I as my most complicated and difficult relationship. There are so many factors, so many people that are affected by my actions and decisions. His wife and children. He's separated from her, but I know she still loves him. I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to lose him either. I do feel guilty for what I have done, but then he looks at me, and says, 'Thank you,', and I just can't seem to care anymore.
You may wonder what he says thank you for, well, I am about to tell you. He thanks me, daily, for coming into his life. He tells me that I came in at just the right time, when he was about to give up. When he first saw me walking across the parade square, he thought to himself, 'I have to know her.'. Bearing in mind, I was hungover to fuck, walking with more attitude than... oh, I don't know, Missy Elliot, greasy hair, no shower for like two days, and still he wanted to know me.
He thanks me for opening his eyes. He told me that just by coming into his life and getting to him and whatnot, that he sees the beauty in the world, that there are things worth living for and fighting for; That he can really love another human being so completely, he would lay down in traffic for me.
When he says these things to me, I always give him the same reply.
'Baby, everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. You and I were supposed to meet how and when we did, and I also think that we were destined to fall in love with one another. I came into your life at a time when you had no hope, nothing left to give. I could see in your eyes the first night we talked at Easter, that you were running out of reasons. I appeared to show you that no matter how dark you think it may be, it's always darkest before dawn.'
And then he kisses me. And all is right in the world.
I don't really want to stop writing, but I am not sure what else to say.
I just... I don't feel like what I am doing is wrong. I mean, I KNOW it is, I am in a relationship with a married man, but still, when I am with him, everything feels so fucking RIGHT, that I forget everything that isn't us. I forget that he is ten years older than me. I forget that one day soon I am going to have to go back to university, and I really, really don't want to. I am considering transferring down here. I forget that he has a wife and three children. I forget that although his heart his mine, the rest of him isn't.
I forget. Sometimes it's nice to.
I keep thinking about the things that I didn't say, things I didn't do, that I wish I had, and equally those I did say and do I now wish I hadn't.
Have established one thing very firmly however - I do not like my baby when he is drunk. Tipsy is fine because he makes me laugh, but when he gets wankered, like he was tonight, I'm no so fond of that.
He kept asking me why I didn't like it, and what was it about him being drunk that I didn't like. At first I said I didn't know, because it was hard to put my finger on it. It wasn't him. It wasn't that gentle loving man I have come to know so well. This drunk Chris was alien to me. Yes, I have seen him drunk on more than one occasion, but he was truly annihilated, and I have never seen him in that state before.
I screamed at him when he walked me home, because he kept saying things as off the cuff remarks, and I was reacting to them way too sensitively because I was already cranky that our night had been cut short. I can't even remember what he said now, and it seems to stupid.
He was standing in place waiting for me to do my usual trick of bouncing back to him to give him a kiss. Which I was just about to do, when I heard a car coming. So I called to him to move and shit, like you do, but he wouldn't. So I went over and grabbed the scruff of his shirt to pull him out of the way, and he started laughing, and I literally screamed at the top of my lungs: 'Chris, fucking move I am not fucking about.'.
After a few moments of silence, I stopped him.
"Did I not communicate what happen to me if I lost you?"
I have never felt him hold me so tightly. I was nearly crying. Actually, there's no nearly. I was crying. I know you all probably think I am crazy, but I have known him since easter, and I know that I am in love with him.
I know you'll think it's wrong but right now, in this moment, he is my whole world. The reason I get up in the morning, why I eat, breathe, laugh, cry. I had become so disillusioned with the idea of love, so... skeptical, that the only thing I could do was laugh at the very idea of me being in love. A few months ago, one of my friends at the Fort asked me why I was still single. I told him it was a choice. That I didn't want to deal with the all the shit that comes with loving someone.
I just hadn't found the person I wanted to go through all that shit with.
I can't deny this has probably overtaken Lisa and I as my most complicated and difficult relationship. There are so many factors, so many people that are affected by my actions and decisions. His wife and children. He's separated from her, but I know she still loves him. I don't blame her, I wouldn't want to lose him either. I do feel guilty for what I have done, but then he looks at me, and says, 'Thank you,', and I just can't seem to care anymore.
You may wonder what he says thank you for, well, I am about to tell you. He thanks me, daily, for coming into his life. He tells me that I came in at just the right time, when he was about to give up. When he first saw me walking across the parade square, he thought to himself, 'I have to know her.'. Bearing in mind, I was hungover to fuck, walking with more attitude than... oh, I don't know, Missy Elliot, greasy hair, no shower for like two days, and still he wanted to know me.
He thanks me for opening his eyes. He told me that just by coming into his life and getting to him and whatnot, that he sees the beauty in the world, that there are things worth living for and fighting for; That he can really love another human being so completely, he would lay down in traffic for me.
When he says these things to me, I always give him the same reply.
'Baby, everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. You and I were supposed to meet how and when we did, and I also think that we were destined to fall in love with one another. I came into your life at a time when you had no hope, nothing left to give. I could see in your eyes the first night we talked at Easter, that you were running out of reasons. I appeared to show you that no matter how dark you think it may be, it's always darkest before dawn.'
And then he kisses me. And all is right in the world.
I don't really want to stop writing, but I am not sure what else to say.
I just... I don't feel like what I am doing is wrong. I mean, I KNOW it is, I am in a relationship with a married man, but still, when I am with him, everything feels so fucking RIGHT, that I forget everything that isn't us. I forget that he is ten years older than me. I forget that one day soon I am going to have to go back to university, and I really, really don't want to. I am considering transferring down here. I forget that he has a wife and three children. I forget that although his heart his mine, the rest of him isn't.
I forget. Sometimes it's nice to.
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And I don't want to come down.
Well, I did see Chris tonight, only... was not so good. We are still good, but the night itself, not so much. Between freezing my arse off and having a rather large dildo-shaped object thrust in my face by some rather, shall we say idiotic, for manners sake, boys, something went wrong.
I knew I should've told him to go straight home from work.
But it got me thinking. We've been together, yes, TOGETHER, for nearly three months now. We are, for lack of a better term, in a relationship. It might not be a stereotypical, or 'normal' relationship, but what is normal these days anyway? I love him, he loves me, what else do we need? I know it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, but I am sick of doing things that make sense.
All of my past relationships, bar one, have 'made sense'. Lisa and I - that was insane, heart-on-your-sleeve, obsessive, powerful, passionate love. It didn't make sense, but that didn't matter. We had our own little world; One that we created and could escape to whenever the real world became to much. I think that we both accept and understand now that eventually that would've imploded upon itself. To us, it was perfect, and it was perfect in it's imperfection. Neither of were immaculate, but we adored each other regardless.
Now, Dan. BIG MISTAKE. Don't even really want to go there. Too many bad memories still stirring close to the surface.
Lee. Now, I did love him, but the emotional neediness was too much for me to bear.
Nick - UGH. Another big mistake.
And so on, and so forth.
But, Chris and I, that doesn't make sense. But it's the most normal thing I have ever known. It's real and beautiful, and amazing.
And I don't want to come down from this high.
I knew I should've told him to go straight home from work.
But it got me thinking. We've been together, yes, TOGETHER, for nearly three months now. We are, for lack of a better term, in a relationship. It might not be a stereotypical, or 'normal' relationship, but what is normal these days anyway? I love him, he loves me, what else do we need? I know it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, but I am sick of doing things that make sense.
All of my past relationships, bar one, have 'made sense'. Lisa and I - that was insane, heart-on-your-sleeve, obsessive, powerful, passionate love. It didn't make sense, but that didn't matter. We had our own little world; One that we created and could escape to whenever the real world became to much. I think that we both accept and understand now that eventually that would've imploded upon itself. To us, it was perfect, and it was perfect in it's imperfection. Neither of were immaculate, but we adored each other regardless.
Now, Dan. BIG MISTAKE. Don't even really want to go there. Too many bad memories still stirring close to the surface.
Lee. Now, I did love him, but the emotional neediness was too much for me to bear.
Nick - UGH. Another big mistake.
And so on, and so forth.
But, Chris and I, that doesn't make sense. But it's the most normal thing I have ever known. It's real and beautiful, and amazing.
And I don't want to come down from this high.
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Somtimes Life Sucks.
I'm supposed to be seeing Chris tonight.
It's now quarter to nine and he still hasn't left work. It's going to take him an hour to get home. Great.
Why is life so incredibly shit sometimes??
It's now quarter to nine and he still hasn't left work. It's going to take him an hour to get home. Great.
Why is life so incredibly shit sometimes??
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How did we get here, when I used to know you so well?
I'd forgotten what it was like to love someone so completely, you'd give you very soul for them.
I'd do anything for that man.
It's Davina's (his daugher) birthday on Saturday so he is going to spend some time with her, which is good, cos I never wanted to come between any of them, least of all him and his kids.
I never meant for any of this to happen, but I can't seem to control my heart. It wants what it wants, and what it wants is Chris. He is my everything now.
I adore absolutely everything about him - his smile, his bright, sparkling blue eyes, that dazzling smile, his sensually deep voice (which could quite easily make me arrive just by whispering in my ear). EVERYTHING.
I am in love with him and it drives me mad because I can't escape the fact that I have probably ruined lives in the process. I wish I could say that it feels wrong, but it doesn't. Nothing has ever felt more right or perfect than it does with him.
He is my complete other half.
My entire world.
I just wish it was more simple. Why is my life always so fucking hard and complicated? Why is nothing ever easy for me? I finally find a man I really love and trust, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to really have him.
What a big bag of steaming horse shite.
I'd do anything for that man.
It's Davina's (his daugher) birthday on Saturday so he is going to spend some time with her, which is good, cos I never wanted to come between any of them, least of all him and his kids.
I never meant for any of this to happen, but I can't seem to control my heart. It wants what it wants, and what it wants is Chris. He is my everything now.
I adore absolutely everything about him - his smile, his bright, sparkling blue eyes, that dazzling smile, his sensually deep voice (which could quite easily make me arrive just by whispering in my ear). EVERYTHING.
I am in love with him and it drives me mad because I can't escape the fact that I have probably ruined lives in the process. I wish I could say that it feels wrong, but it doesn't. Nothing has ever felt more right or perfect than it does with him.
He is my complete other half.
My entire world.
I just wish it was more simple. Why is my life always so fucking hard and complicated? Why is nothing ever easy for me? I finally find a man I really love and trust, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to really have him.
What a big bag of steaming horse shite.
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ARGH CANT WAIT!
OMG EXCITED! We're staying at a hotel on the Friday night before we go to London!!
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Plus que ma propre vie.
I know that what we're doing is wrong, but I love him. I used to think I wanted him because I couldn't actually have him, but I know that I love him. I am in love with him.
He's taking me to London next week for day out, just us. I feel like I have to keep justifying our relationship, when really I don't. I used to feel so guilty, and miserable that I was ruining lives, wrecking homes and everything, but I am done feeling guilty.
When do I get to be truly happy? When is it my turn?
My sister, Hannah, said to me at the beginning that he was probably just using me, either for an emotional crutch or for sex, but I honestly don't think either of those things are true. He hasn't pressured me to sleep with him, in fact we've hardly spoken about it at all, and as for the emotional crutch, I firmly believe he loves me as much as I love him.
We spent yesterday together, walking around Rochester, talking. We ended up in our usual spot in The Vines, under our tree, named Francois. We laugh about all sorts, and we can talk about absolutely anything. He knows about my past, and some of the things I have been through, and of course he knows about Lisa. How could I not tell him, when even now, I see her as such a huge part of my life. I know she may not think it sometimes, but she is one of the most important people I know.
I've never been very good at expressing emotion or showing/ telling people what they mean to me. But I do love you, Lees. Not in the same way as I used to, but that doesn't matter. You still mean a hell of a lot to me, and I know you don't agree with this situation, but we both know that sometimes you can't control what your heart wants.
I cant control the way I feel about him. And I don't want to.
He's taking me to London next week for day out, just us. I feel like I have to keep justifying our relationship, when really I don't. I used to feel so guilty, and miserable that I was ruining lives, wrecking homes and everything, but I am done feeling guilty.
When do I get to be truly happy? When is it my turn?
My sister, Hannah, said to me at the beginning that he was probably just using me, either for an emotional crutch or for sex, but I honestly don't think either of those things are true. He hasn't pressured me to sleep with him, in fact we've hardly spoken about it at all, and as for the emotional crutch, I firmly believe he loves me as much as I love him.
We spent yesterday together, walking around Rochester, talking. We ended up in our usual spot in The Vines, under our tree, named Francois. We laugh about all sorts, and we can talk about absolutely anything. He knows about my past, and some of the things I have been through, and of course he knows about Lisa. How could I not tell him, when even now, I see her as such a huge part of my life. I know she may not think it sometimes, but she is one of the most important people I know.
I've never been very good at expressing emotion or showing/ telling people what they mean to me. But I do love you, Lees. Not in the same way as I used to, but that doesn't matter. You still mean a hell of a lot to me, and I know you don't agree with this situation, but we both know that sometimes you can't control what your heart wants.
I cant control the way I feel about him. And I don't want to.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
When everything makes sense, the only thing left to do is live.
I love him so much.
He moved out of his house last week and is living with his sister.
He's taking me to London next weekend for a day out - just us.
I adore him with every fibre of my being.
He moved out of his house last week and is living with his sister.
He's taking me to London next weekend for a day out - just us.
I adore him with every fibre of my being.
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
Well, this is just shite.
Why do I have to love him so much when it's more than likely there's no way I'll ever be able to really have him?
- Touch (0)
- Bang (0)
