Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.


Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

"I think wet dreams are actually God giving you a handjob for being so good."